20100127-2

Always, you'd like to control.
Every little things in your life,
and you never surrender.
Before they leave you, you leave them.
You call yourself, cool and reasonable.

This time, you crashed.

I remember the temperature of your hands. They are cold, a little wet, usually.
You took good care of them every winter. Still, they got chilblains.
I always put them in my hands. Or put them in my pockets. Because I am warm.
If I am around.

You wrote, you imagine yourself falling down from the 13th floor, your blood and your fresh mashing on the ground.
My heart was strangled for a moment.
I can almost see your curly hair in the sunshine when we firstly met in the first university year.

My tears came down.

I came to you first, remember?

I liked your seemingly insouciant attitude. And you are tall, very tall.
When we walked together, we looked like a couple.
But you are very serious，for a lot of things. Even too serious sometimes.
We both are.

You are so harsh outside, so soft inside. With your job, now you became so sophisticated.
But from my eyes, I still see the person 7 years ago,with those bright eyes and sunny smile.

But you had, you have so many boundaries, so many secret principles inside of your mind. You are almost a perfectionist. You do not only use those on yourself, but also on me. Because you thought I was yours.
I am your person. You said, remember?

Until something unbearable happened in your life, you crashed.
I watched you holding everything inside. You closed yourself.
I tried to touch you. I tried to call. I tried to write.

I got only several sentences back.
You said, I am busy. You take care of yourself,ok?
And you never do so. Not to me.

I couldn't help myself checking your blog several times a day. Because that is the only way I have to get to your heart.
I don't know how you are coping with this. Alcohol?Different relationships?Or something else?
You won't talk to me.

I hate myself being selfish. I exiled myself far far away from you.
You wrote me at the beginning, I don't know how much I wish you could be with me now.
Then you stopped asking for help. And you stopped writing to me like this.

I didn't realize how important you are to me. Until I read this sentence.
Even though it was only a thought, a secret thought slided through your brain. I am deeply hurt.
Because you are hurting yourself.

I am in panic.
I miss you.
Can you hear me?

I miss the old good times we spent together, those almost golden years, golden youth in our life.
We walked with each other, all these years, good or bad.
You are the only one who would shout at me and threaten me to be a nicer person, or you would just walk away.
I changed, I changed myself for you.
I remembered all those tears I had in your arms. I remembered all those late night talks.
I remembered everything.

We would call each other's name out loud. Then you or me, we ran to each other in 5 mins.

But this time, I don't know how to do this with you.

Do you know I am here?
Do you know that if you want me, I am always here?

We are both picky person. So picky, that we don't easily say, this is my friend.
We are both perfectionist.
I want you to have the best in the world. I want you to be happy.
I think you too. That's why you always say harsh words to me when I did something wrong.

I know you have been suffering.
But I couldn't be around.

Please forgive me.

I can not imagine this happening on me. I can not imagine this happening on you either.
They are the only persons we have in the world. At least this life.
Though we all know that eternity doesn't exist.

I don't regret getting to know you. You said. And I want you to be happy.

Please...
Do you know I love you deeply?

Please have a little more faith.
We all do.

...........