Jan 01,2010

Became very crazy about a Finnish song named "Jos sä tahdot niin" which means if you want it that way.

Firstly I was just touched by the melody. When E translated the whole piece of the lyrics from the song for me, I couldn't help myself being shocked by the strong emotion and determination it embedded under the words which made me cry.

Especially when the singers were singing " Jos sä tahdot niin, on mulle valheesikin tosi. Jos sä tahdot niin, muutan kirjoille andorraan, jos vielä siellä sut nähdä saan." (which means " If you want it that way, your lies are true to me too; If you want it that way, I'll move to Andorra if t that's the one place I can see you again "), my heart can not stop being deeply touched.

I can go to wars, I can be your watchdog, I'll be someone else for you, I'll lay my head on your chest, I'll take your religion, I can climb up the cliff, I can take Tibet to your bed, I can do whatever makes you happy, as long as that is the way you wanted.Without you, I will be drowned in the restless nights; without love,I am on the half way to the hell. I can... if you want it that way.

It wakes me up. Sometimes, sometimes, there are so many thoughts running in my head which made me forget the most basic thing for love.
It is, using the real heart, without any holding back.

I watched a french movie "Love me if you dare" with my friend.
The spirit of "love, or die" stunned me there. As if when people who are deeply in love look at each other's eyes, the outside world doesn't exist any more. As if with the other half, they can give up everything and they don't want anything else except for each other.
When he looked at her, he smiled, just like a child, like what they promised each other when they were young. When she looked at him, her smile shined, her body glowed, and everything else around them disappeared.
Now the spirit shows again in the song.
Different culture, different language,same soul.

It is -16, with thick thick snow piling on the ground.
The full moon is so bright.

It is very nice to listen to such a beautiful, romantic and soulful song in a quiet night alone.
At this moment, my heart is soft, soft like a piece of white feather.

rising

After the continuous conversation for two full nights without any sleep, I finally realized that I am now standing at a crossroad.
And a decision needs to be made.

It is none of any one's business.
I need to think carefully, and choose what is the best for me.
Without doubts, without the peer pressure, without any suggestions from friends or family members, a decision has to be made.

It has been a long process and I have indulged myself sinking inside for already too long.
Now, is the moment.
It is the moment to have a strong motivation, and put all my endeavor into it.
Just like in the old times, I was walking alone in the endless darkness and doubt whether there is an end. Then I found myself standing in the end of the tunnel facing the sunshine right after.

Now, if I want, there will be warms hands waiting for me.


I need to, go for whatever I want.
And it is, my business.

Life is too short after all.
And we only have one chance.

09.05

Just finished one essential paragraph for the theoretical chapter that I have been thinking for over a month. No, no, even half a year.

I feel tremendously happy. =)

I am getting there.

A soulful night

My sight followed his fingers wandering on his harp with an extremely beautiful gesture like a pilot sleep-walking on the moon.

I kept thinking about the music from the moment I arrived home around 5:30 am. When I woke up, my mood was still in this extremely soft and warm status from last night as if I have always been lying in a huge warm blanket which wrapped me safely.

It feels like I was hypnotized by his fingers and his voice.

And with all those conversations, I am more confused.
How can a man keep all those thoughts all night long without a small break?

I think I need some rest.

ps. The song he taught me is so soft with latin lyrics. Sadly now I forgot its name.
And also "hallelujah". The only verson I knew before was from Jeff Buckley's whom was an extremely beautiful man and one of my favorite male singers.

Datura

The process of decision making is always long and hard.

However, we all actually secretly knew what we would choose long time ago.
It just takes time for us to realize it and admit it.
And of course it hurts.

No matter based on what kind of excuses or reasons, it doesn't matter after all.
When the decision is made, it is made.

And I am a person who doesn't take time to think of a proper excuse.
I see, the result.

---------------------------
If I am a crazy dancer, then I am spending my life-time looking for my partner.
Or a strong man with the strong mind and warm hands, waiting for me to hold his hands when I am tired of dancing.

I have this craziness deeply in my blood. Dark and powerful. Sometimes harmful.

Every girl is a datura. Fragrant but poisonous.
As long as they don't love anyone.
They are all poisonous.

I think I am poisonous.

buttons and bows

Have been listening to one album of traditional Irish Music in my disc, I found myself getting more and more addicted.
"Buttons and bows" and "Anna Mhoirech" are my favorite.

Usually, good music, can touch the deepest and softest part of heart. There's no language or ethnic differences, only enjoying it with the same sorrow or joy.
And, good music, can easily make me burst into tears.

It must be a paradoxical nation with strong love and hatred, radical happiness entangled with deep melancholy in my imagination from those pieces of melodies.


My next trip, Ireland is on the list.

Plus, I love the Irish beer.
Let's make it as a motivation of my endless writing.
I need more passion.

Sometimes, sometimes. when I am tired of running and questioning, I think.
Sitting by the big blue sea to see a beautiful sunset with someone I trust and love, would be the happiest thing and the only thing I want in the world and worth dying for.
But a simple wish, is the hardest.

I shouldn't be greedy.

8.13

I guess I am oftenly blind.

And sometimes I indulge myself to be wild and blind.
Because I know that I am too picky and I judge too much that nobody fits my world.

But isn't there an end?
Is it now?

Are you sober.
Wake up.

I am having a lot.
Don't be greedy.

Who will win?

The rationality and desire are like ice and fire.

Who will win?

I dunno.

I always thought it was because of the continuous rainy days.

But today is a sunny day.

I found the thought of " I am tired of my life and I am tired of everything" has been haunting me everyday since the first moment I open my eyes.

I am using all kinds of positive attitudes and thoughts to cope with this powerless feeling.

I can not give in. I can not drown to death.

I want to survive. I need to.

Asking myself

I have been thinking,
what's the point of living in this world?What's the point of running on the way all the time?What's the point of laughing,crying or oppressing all the extra emotions in front of the others?What's the point of waking up every morning?
Do I need my life to be like this?Do I need my degree that much? Can I survive without the laptop?Do I need everything they said that I should have? Why do I have to have everything they said that I should have? Is it wrong to give in?Is it too weak for me not to face up with everything?Why can't I be the one who is running away?

Is it true that I need to be a robot to look tough enough to handle everything?

I am getting tired of everything.

I am tried of everything.

I knew it was wrong to think in this way.
I have had so much and I am having so much at my hand right now. Yet, I couldn't get rid of this thought in my mind and I couldn't figure out why.

Someone told me, life would give us an end, no matter how.
I wouldn't let it decide what I can have and what I need to have.

Is this the reason?

I can not wait. Until I die.

....

Nobody understands how tired I am inside of me.
Why I was born with so many thoughts and it kept haunting me every minute and second.

I would like to have a lobotomy surgery if it can make my life easier.

Please, God, please, let me stop thinking.
Just stop, please. For one second.

Please let the world be quiet for one second.
Please......

Noisy world

I think I have talked too much.

When I am stressful, I tend to do abnormal things.

I need to sink under the water and think about what I want from life.

Leave me alone.

---------
Sunny Sunday afternoon beer at Carlsberg brewery made me have a big headache right now.