Don't cry.

When the bus came, he hugged me tight.
"Take care, baby."

When he was paying for the bus fee, he was still making funny faces behind the driver's back to me to prevent me from crying.
A stayed up for a whole night with us trying her best to comfort me. And she was so concerned about my feelings on our way back home that I decided not to cry in front of her.

P came to ring my door bell in the evening to check out whether I am doing ok or not.
K called me to check if I was still alive.

They are worried about me. I know.

When I was riding to posti this afternoon, I saw new students walking on the street speaking English introducing themselves to the other friends around.
I started to count the first year when I was one of them, how many people I have walked with before I had my bike.
And now they are all dispersed at different places in the world.

The smell of the night, the never-goes-down sun, the blue sky and lakes, the burning sunlight and the fresh dry air, various berries growing by the streets and the lively blossom of daisy.
I can still recall these first impressions for this country when I stepped on this land. These fragments took a large amount of the reminiscence tied to my sentimental olfaction, gustation and vision in my brain.

I hear myself breathing. The emptiness in my chest kept me being in a daze for a whole day.

When I was watching "Ashes of time" for the first time, I remembered one sentence very well.
People suffer a lot because they have too good memories.

For a person like me, who has the photographic memories about people whom I care, suffering is almost one part of my daily work. The larger the happiness is, the bigger the pain is.

There have been several people telling me that I should learn how to preserve the feelings for myself.

They told me, you gave people too much which sometimes was not what they want from the others.
Putting the other's feeling over mine is not always good and sometimes it is over-whelming for people I love and myself.

Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I had never learned.


He said," you are never angry with me, that's why I can say mean things to you and I am harsh on you sometimes which I don't do to the others."
I answered, " it is because my patience for you hasn't run out yet. When it runs out, then there'll be none left. And I will be gone. It applies to everyone."

Sometimes people around me never do compromises. Their attitude is always " take it or leave it. this is me." and they argued that they are like this because they treat people equally and respectfully.
At first I thought it was correct and it was easy to have their own lives. Later I started to wonder, maybe they were just using it as an excuse to be lazy and not putting effort to remain a relation with the others.
This passive-aggressive attitude is fair for themselves but unfair for people who love them.

Who takes the initiative? Who takes the charge? Who gives in firstly? Who says I love you firstly? Who's gonna be the one adjusting himself/herself for the other one?How to calculate everything?

There's always a secret war between people as long as there's affection existing.
And most of us don't know how to appreciate the work that the other has done because we think we have being treating others "equally".
Breaking the normal way of doing things become unbearable.

Keeping the balance of being self-preserved, self-protected and giving without a condition is never easy.

I don't know how to improve myself yet.
I will learn. I hope.

At least, I am sad and I am scared because I still have things to lose.