wedding

He said, I miss you so much that's why I ate so much Chinese food.
I said, I miss you so much that's why I ate so much Greek feta cheese.

:D

I always wished to have half of his energy and optimism.

----------------------------------
I finally told her that I couldn't attend.
They are gonna have 50 tables at least from her parents' side, not including her husband's side, which I guess in all there will be 80 or 100 tables? Or more?

I wonder how much they are going to spend for the whole weddings.
Imagine 10 people per table, it will be 1000 people involved at least. let's say 150 euros (average) per table, 15,000 euros for the food only (minimum).

Plus the wedding dress, cars, place renting, ceremony and everything...Chinese people are crazy while doing weddings, arent we?
No wonder everyone is under this pressure these days which can be shown everywhere in the newspaper, TV, magazine or Internet.

I was again slightly shocked.

But money, can be used in a better way.
I dare not to say this to her. After all, it is her life.

My life, is anyways different.

-----------------

We get what we want,right?
What will I get in the end?

Standing in the snow, alone? ;)

-----------------
In the end we had a long conversation.
She said that I have been too tough that no one can actually come inside of me.
I said, no, it is not true.

I told her that maybe I wasn't good enough.
She said, no, you are very good already. I told everyone around me that I was so proud of you.

I suddenly remembered, J used to always say, I'm so proud of you. I talked to him a little the other night. He is now very professional and more convincing.
But I found myself tired of arguing about anything, like we always used to do and had a great fun.
He said, I had the impression that you have been unhappy.
I said, no it is not true. I am happier.

-----------
I am the source of my everything.
Is that again a too independent thought?

There's nothing wrong with being independent.
It's just.. tougher.
And we just choose different approaches.

---------
I suddenly remembered one word I saw 7 years ago when I was in a temple.
"Shu Tu Tong Gui（殊途同归）" which means we human beings reach the same end using different approaches.

If we can not have fun on the way going there, then what's the point?

--------
Let's have fun.

20100219

I dont understand why sometimes it takes me so much effort forming a cover page. As if I have troubles believing in myself.
Actually what I need to do is just to convince myself. I am the best. And you will regret if you do not have me.

The sky is forever grey.
I wonder what kind of path god will lead me to.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Al di là delle nuvole

They waited for several years to meet up again.With all the coincidences.

His hands pacified her body,without any actual touch. He looked at her with all the affection in his eyes.He recoiled when she wants to kiss him. A slightest smile emerged on his lips. And he went closer to her again.
He stood up suddenly.And left her apartment.
She stood up, watched him leaving from her window.
He walked with a fast pace, but stopped and looked up. He gazed into her eyes under the red brick wall.The window reflected the light, with her vague white shadow behind.
He left without any hesitation.

However,the voice over repeated again and again, they forever love each other.

We walked too fast.
We lost our souls.
And those things which are usually considered to be trivia.

Are you satisfied?

I am not afraid of death.
I am afraid of living,the unavoidable life.





-----------------------

We don't understand something at all. But usually we think that experience and rationality will help us dealing with it better.
But how can those so-called thinking or rationality conquer the reality itself, and also the feeling, the sensation itself.

Sometimes when the absolute rationality reaches a certain level, it emerges with the face of craziness.
Compared with sensibility,there's actually no such big difference.Or better or worse.

I don't understand the track how I have been walked through.
And I don't understand what kind of plot will happen in the future.
Even how long I can live in this world, is an unknown thing.

So many uncertainties, so many imperfections.
Life itself is so weary.
However, hope, tangling co-existed with the total opposite face of the weary reality.

Often I think, I would like to keep a record for this special part of my life with the extremely emptiness and uncertainties.
But when I looked at the sky,watching the snow flying in the air.
Mostly, I am speechless.

Is it true that we have to always stand an-arm far to something we want it to be eternal?
Although the eternity never exists in the world. And human bodies, only have several decades of validity.
If we miss now, miss the present tense, what's the use of getting the eternity?

However,we pursue,isn't it because that we couldn't get it?
For things we are right now having in our hands, till when we would probably realize that they deserve to be cherished.


Life.Flower.Sunshine.Songs.Smile.Touch.Kiss.Hug.The smell of the hair.The warmth of the hands.Food.Wine.Conversations.

Are you satisfied?

Some words to myself

You need to learn how to be more patient to realize what you really want.

Follow the agenda. Be flexible.

Do not deny. Do not run away.

Face it, and deal with it.

Enjoy.

Words to myself

Try to forgive myself, try to make it up with myself.
Accept myself of being who I am.

Do not expect too much from the others.
At the same time, keep moving forward step by step.

Know when to take a deep breath and relax, and when to go back to the battle and fight like hell.

There will be sunshine after the rain. Do not worry.

You are gonna be fine.

When to leave the table

I think I am gradually following this rule: no matter what happens in my life, no complaints,no explains.
Suck everything up and keep moving forward.

My favorite writer Yishu always says, it doesn't matter much when you enter the game, and it doesn't matter whether you get good cards or not either; the most important thing is, you need to know when and how to leave the table, with the best gesture and the best style, and do not expect to get any paybacks and do not take anything with you when you choose to leave.

Yes.It is bloody true. And I am trying my best to be a mentally noble person.

A short conversation

He asked me, "Are you still using Nokia? I always thought Blackberry was more like your style."

I said, " Yes, the same old one. I didn't change. We define things. We don't need things to define us. I do not care which brand I am using, I care who is still on my contact list. And I don't have style, I only see the function. If I am not doing any business, what could I do with all the extra functions?"

He was surprised, "You see the real emptiness now. It is usually easy for people to go from 0 to 100, but hard for them to go from 100 back to 0."

I replied, "No, I am just more simple and purer than before. And I want to use my limited energy on things which I really care."

"I am still who I am."
"How do you know that you are still the same person?"
"I have behaved like what I have said."

Don't cry.

When the bus came, he hugged me tight.
"Take care, baby."

When he was paying for the bus fee, he was still making funny faces behind the driver's back to me to prevent me from crying.
A stayed up for a whole night with us trying her best to comfort me. And she was so concerned about my feelings on our way back home that I decided not to cry in front of her.

P came to ring my door bell in the evening to check out whether I am doing ok or not.
K called me to check if I was still alive.

They are worried about me. I know.

When I was riding to posti this afternoon, I saw new students walking on the street speaking English introducing themselves to the other friends around.
I started to count the first year when I was one of them, how many people I have walked with before I had my bike.
And now they are all dispersed at different places in the world.

The smell of the night, the never-goes-down sun, the blue sky and lakes, the burning sunlight and the fresh dry air, various berries growing by the streets and the lively blossom of daisy.
I can still recall these first impressions for this country when I stepped on this land. These fragments took a large amount of the reminiscence tied to my sentimental olfaction, gustation and vision in my brain.

I hear myself breathing. The emptiness in my chest kept me being in a daze for a whole day.

When I was watching "Ashes of time" for the first time, I remembered one sentence very well.
People suffer a lot because they have too good memories.

For a person like me, who has the photographic memories about people whom I care, suffering is almost one part of my daily work. The larger the happiness is, the bigger the pain is.

There have been several people telling me that I should learn how to preserve the feelings for myself.

They told me, you gave people too much which sometimes was not what they want from the others.
Putting the other's feeling over mine is not always good and sometimes it is over-whelming for people I love and myself.

Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I had never learned.


He said," you are never angry with me, that's why I can say mean things to you and I am harsh on you sometimes which I don't do to the others."
I answered, " it is because my patience for you hasn't run out yet. When it runs out, then there'll be none left. And I will be gone. It applies to everyone."

Sometimes people around me never do compromises. Their attitude is always " take it or leave it. this is me." and they argued that they are like this because they treat people equally and respectfully.
At first I thought it was correct and it was easy to have their own lives. Later I started to wonder, maybe they were just using it as an excuse to be lazy and not putting effort to remain a relation with the others.
This passive-aggressive attitude is fair for themselves but unfair for people who love them.

Who takes the initiative? Who takes the charge? Who gives in firstly? Who says I love you firstly? Who's gonna be the one adjusting himself/herself for the other one?How to calculate everything?

There's always a secret war between people as long as there's affection existing.
And most of us don't know how to appreciate the work that the other has done because we think we have being treating others "equally".
Breaking the normal way of doing things become unbearable.

Keeping the balance of being self-preserved, self-protected and giving without a condition is never easy.

I don't know how to improve myself yet.
I will learn. I hope.

At least, I am sad and I am scared because I still have things to lose.

August 2

I just wanna say, I am thankful for all the love from my dearest friends here who would like to do anything for me without expecting me paying back.

I appreciated everything happened and happening.

I just hope there's another new start, very soon.

And it is going to be very bright again.

If I can be any wiser, I would like to suffer.

In 2 days, it will be my 3rd year here.

Babies

I used to discuss with R that because of the one-child policy in China that I only learnt how to love a man and take care of him persistently from the pattern of how my parents get along with each other, I did not know how to deal with kids.

Since my parents didn't like any other child, they don't act like the other parents for example when they see little infant, they would scream loud "cute!!" and start baby-talk with them, touch and hold them immediately in their arms. Instead, my parents just politely say to the other parents " This kid is cute" and then walked away.
Besides, my cousins are all at my age, either younger or elder for a few years. Maybe I learnt how to share things and cooperate with them, never how to deal with them.

I went to a meeting last night and met many great people there. Most of them are married couples that they do believe that people should love the others without expecting anything as paybacks or to love with any preconditions. And their infants have been growing up in the church that they were not afraid of being touched and cuddled.
I was staring at them crawling on the ground at the beginning with fear. Because I was afraid that they would suddenly scream or do something crazy to people. I dare not to touch them and I was even scared to talk to the pregnant women since I always judge them that they are too different and too self-sacrificed for men.
They are vivid lives, different individuals with different bodies and ideologies since the moment they left mom's womb. Thinking of all the responsibilities and obligations I shall take if I have a child, the idea itself is heavy and scary enough for me to chicken out and walk away without a hesitation.

There he is, a handsome young man, laying in front of his mom's chest and observed everyone of us with his big blue innocent eyes with huge curiosity. I asked his mom, " May I? I am afraid that I will break his arm or legs..." She laughed and said " Don't worry, kids are strong." She petted him on his back. I surprisingly found that the kid's back didn't go sunken with his mom's hand as I expected. My curiosity drove me lifted him up via holding up his armpit with his little soft fatty arms splaying in the air.
Hmmm, very soft. This is my first thought. Well,also quite heavy. There comes my second thought.

He was very excited to be held up standing on the ground. But, he did something out of my expectation that he grabbed my hair all of a sudden. His hand is so strong and powerful not like a 6-month kid and he started to put my hair into his mouth.
Finally his mom came to save me and she educated him to stop eating my hair. I secretly thought, when he grows up, he might marry an Asian girl just like me. Haha.
With the first try, his brave act made me thought that he was not that different from all the other grown-up men around me. When his mom needs to take a phone call, I held him in my arms walking to the kitchen. I was surprised that I naturally know how to put my arms to make him comfortable. I admit that I was still a little scared of him screaming because of my mis-putting of my arms around him. Amazingly, he was happy and he was trying to touch the other's camera. He laid in front of my chest that I felt I was trusted by him.
I was excited about this whole brand new feeling that people can trust each other that much.
And kids are not like monsters as they used to be in my imagination.

The warmth and the softness touched one part of my heart that I couldn't stop thinking of his fat arms around me.

Okay. I still don't think it is a good idea to get pregnant and have a baby by myself. But, it is not a bad idea to have one maybe in the future if I have enough money.

This idea, is brand new for me.
Thank you James. You are a very charming baby and you will grow up as a charming man in the future.

Monday

I used to dream a lot.

In the farm I kept dreaming certain people for a whole month.
After the farm, I switched to dream random things as if time, or something else changed my core.

I got her back. Then I lost her again because after being in silence for one year and a half, our ideologies have changed so dramatically that we didn't even know each other any more even though we had the best friendship for more than 6 years.
From that, I learnt, no matter how, I do not want to lose someone easily again.
I did not try hard enough to keep her. I take 50% of the responsibility.

I only dreamt home once, once in two years.

I asked J, how will you feel if I choose to leave Europe?
I did not know why I asked. Then I thought I shouldn't have asked him.

I remembered I was walking in a small lane alone near my home. It was so real, so familiar, but so strange.
When I woke up, I got totally sweaty. That was in Feb while I was in STK. I remembered it as if it just happened yesterday.

Recently, I found I was becoming weaker and weaker that I have the tendency to hold on something or someone. And I am having the panic attack more often.
I drink more and more compared with the first year I was abroad. It might speed up the pace of false moving-on, the depressive moments became more and more frightening and it costs me more energy to cope with.

Is it time to go back?
Is it time to hug my old friends and kiss them?
Is it time to see Asian faces?
Is it time to feel 'not alone' once?

Then, will I be brave enough to come back?

-------------------------------

After I watched the documentary 'Home' (2009) several days ago, some of my thoughts are changing.
If we only have 40 years to live happily on this earth, what more can I do for it?
What is the point of fighting in the small office for the little salary? What is the point of grieving for personal issues while our mother earth is in pain? What is the point of getting married and blindly reproduce the next generation? Isn't it the time for all the nations to unite together to protect the earth?
We will be the generation to witness the earth might be destroyed by the earthquake, tornado, typhoons, tsunami, volcanic eruption and climate abnormality and etc.
We have only less than 10 years to change everything before it gets too late.
What difference can I make for the future?

I am still thinking.
And the future is not that far away in front waiting.

Some thoughts of mine

Sometimes I think my life is mostly a joke, although I knew it wasn't true.
I knew there's different cases and different people who can handle different levels of pain and stress.

Some would laugh at all the troubles and walk over it like there's nothing wrong at all. They simply just do not care about those little things, because they have bigger pictures in their lives and they have something else more beautiful to fight for which make them look over the small troubles in front. I call them, real heroes.

Some, they are just not aware of the fact that someone is actually focusing on seeking themselves all the time. They live simply and happily, they do not think much and they are happy because of being innocent and not realising that life can be complicated if they want. For those, I envy them.

Some would pretend that there's nothing wrong in their lives and try to laugh as loud as possible to fool the others and themselves. And they are usually so good at pretending that they couldn't distinguish the difference between the real face and the fake one. They literally wear the mask and take the fake one as the real one for good, and never doubt it.
Because once they start to doubt, their philosophies and their lives are going to fall apart. And that, that is the fact that they can not handle. For these, I would say " we cope in different ways" to comfort them.
Anyways, it is their lives. If they do not want to change, no one can help.

Some, for example like me, would be occasionally defeated by small things happening in life because I am too sensitive and over think of things which should not be considered as a major issue. But, I have a bigger picture. I am brave enough to face up the real me, no matter how ugly she is and no matter how unbearable she is. I always take the truth. I always take the reality.

My father once told me, people usually don't take the reality because it is sometimes too ugly that it breaks the so-called beauty in their eyes. They would rather neglect the flaws and imperfections.
White lies work on them perfectly. They dare not to tell the others the reality, they dare not to turn people down because they assume people can not take it just like themselves.
They choose to let it go in silence.
Gradually, something disappear in silence. They lose something that they will never get it back ever. They are too afraid to admit because the fact itself will be too much for them to handle.

So, they are mute.

I am one of those, who do not take silence as an answer. I need people to spit it out, no matter good or bad, I face it and I fix it.

All in all, I think I am a fighter. I am dark and twisted inside, but I have a bigger picture.
I believe in hopes, and I do believe in miracles.



I remember the reason why I started to write this blog.
I do a lot of things people would think it is unnecessary and meaningless.

In my eyes, they are meaningful. It helps me to face up with myself, it helps to clarify my thoughts and my mind. It helps me to become a better me. More humane, more thoughtful, warmer and more sensitive.
Although I am always in a secret battle with myself all the time, I am not going to surrender.

Don quichot would say, pick the right enemy and the right battle.
My battle is fixed. My enemy is fixed.

And I am invincible.
It is so good to know.

We are all somehow somewhat damaged, by the others, by the things happened on us or something happened on the ones that we love or loved.
The world is frightening. We hurt people and get hurt all the time.

Remember, failing does not take away the reality that someone among us are lions.
Scars only proves that they have been through a lot of glorious battles.

Move on

When the black hole in my mind sucked me in, I chose to drink and sleep over it.

Then I went asking for help.

P was really good.
That's why I need my friends.
They are always around.
And they blame me if I didn't ask for help from them when I needed.

I suddenly burst into tears in front of her while laughing badly.

Now I have a plan. And I need to change.

It is scary. It is always scary and hurting.
But I have hopes, I have hopes and love. A lot of love from friends that I love and people I care, a lot of courage from them.

I fall, i get up and keep walking. Walk tall.

We live in such a imperfect world. And we are all imperfect people.

Never give up, never surrender, never compromise.

If fall, fall in a better way next time or stand up quicker.

Never stop walking forward.

Things I have learnt

I have been living in Europe for almost two years.
It has happened so much.

Keep moving from one city to another, dragging my luggage waiting for the next train at an unfamiliar stop.

Most of the time, everything is just like a dream.
However, who doesn't think so?Life is like a dream.

Places that I have been to, things I have been through, people I have hugged and kissed.
Sometimes I think, it has given me scars.
It is like the scar that I got from the hot oil a few weeks ago while I was still in STK. Looking at the scar tissue now, it is somehow recovering bit by bit.

If I am result-oriented, I will be amazed by what kind of person I have become today.
If not, I am grateful that they have fulfilled my life and made it more colorful.

So far, I have learnt so much.
Still, I have so much to learn in the future. The only thing I know is that I didn't know enough.

I am having my fate in my hand.
He. He. He.
They have hold my hand. Yet, we all insisted to walk our own way to the different destinations, stubbornly.

Nevertheless, things that I have learnt, are not only how to respect them and their decisions.
Also how to love and save myself.

Life is all about experience.

We had a very impressive and pleasant conversation, in that small room, while the wind was blowing the tree outside of the window like hell.

J told me. Life is all about experience.

Why should we set the boundaries all the time and limit our infinite possibilities?
If we always think, "oh this won't fit"," oh that won't work", how can we actually make everything work?

Human beings tend to surprise themselves all the time. And our potential of producing infinite possibilities is amazingly great. The persistence and determination of execution can give us a big joy and tons of happiness.

He is the first male Gemini I have ever met. Very wise and open-minded.

The great thing is, we are both that kind of person who would feel extremely happy and satisfied with experiencing a big challenge to ourselves and we tend to gain a huge amount of entertainment from it no matter how good or bad the result is.
Challenging itself is brave enough and has been a big step in our life already.

I enjoy surprising myself very very much.

Like he always said, " I don't want to lay on my grave yard and regret 'ooh I should have done this and that', that's pathetic."

I want to write down the inspiration I had from this conversation.

I always thought life was too short since my grandpa died last year.
I kept thinking about alternative-reality and different decision makings.

How many really great people whom can actually touch your heart and make it beat like a drum you can meet in your whole life?
"You are very lucky if you get one." J said, he looked at me straightly into my eyes.

Maybe, the theory of "the one" actually doesn't exist.
Often, the difference is always about how much effort you want to put or how much you want to devote yourself into it to make him/her to become " the one". Meanwhile the timing matters, but it comes the second.

We tend to think, " there will be a better one." The truth is, there might not be a better one in the next corner if you are always wondering whether he/she is the one.

Wasting time on being scared of the risk would be the biggest mistake.

Very soon. Faster than we can imagine. We are all old.

I will remember that.

PS.We discussed a very funny major difference of ways of thinking between men and women when they were coping with the pain.
Most of the women tend to keep talking to their girlfriends and grieving for a long time to try to move on when healed. However, men tend to keep all the feelings at a very superficial level or keep it to themselves, not willing to talk about it and try to move on as fast as possible.
The situation which would happen on a man is, after quickly moving on for maybe 6 months, he would probably fall into a deep emotional depression one day suddenly and couldn't figure out why.
I laughed loudly when I heard him analyzing.

Communication is such a big fun for me. =D

Something that I want to say to myself

Live as if there's only 24 hours left in your life.

Facing up yourself without any denying.

Do not waste anytime on wondering whether you are fit for the standards orworrying about if you would fail the other's expectations. Do not deny yourself from being whom you are just because you do not fit in.

Do not afraid to be different. Although you will pay some price, it is worth. And you will get happiness, even though the moment of being happy is short. After all, nothing is eternal.

You only have one life in your hand and life is too short. Make good use of it.

We can always handle. We can always figure out a way. But do not be scared because of worrying the possibility whether you can fix it or not, or wandering too much only thinking about how and why.Do not let it be an excuse to block your way from being different and chase after what you really want from your heart.

Cry whenever you want to cry. Try to be as happy as possible when you laugh.

Love people that you love when you still have a chance, although sometimes love hurts. And remember to tell them out loud when you still can.

Acknowledge the fact that everybody judges, including yourself. But do not let it be an obstacle while you are making some important decisions.

Do not afraid to ask even though you will be turned down. If you are refused, move on! It will surely take some time, the point is, do not let it beat you from trying.
Getting refused and hurt even badly will not change whom you are and how people see you. Even if it does change how people see you, they are not your friends and you do not need to spend time caring those thoughts from whom are not your friends.
Remember? Life is too short.

One can not please everyone.

And You will always get a chance to be happy as long as you are yourself.

People whom you love including your friends and parents may not fully understand you sometimes, wait for a proper timing and do not stop trying. And they will eventually understand. If they couldn't, as long as they love you, they will stand behind your back and respect your decisions.

Try to be as flexible as possible and accept whatever it is in front of you.

Set the goal and go for it.
Even you fail, you get to learn.We all get to learn through our own stupidity and failure.

So far, that's all.
And I am happy to realize who I am and what kind of person I want to be.
And I do not feel ashamed about myself being me.