The end of Jan.

Reading Rafaello Giovagnoli's Spartacus (1874).

I am back to the era for the glorious gladiators.

I should have read it earlier, since I have been such a big fan for “300”,“Gladiator” and “Rome”. （Though "Rome" only had two unfinished seasons.）

Nudity, violence, great honor and love are always the main theme for this topic.

20100130

I asked him.
"Are you happy?Are you nervous?Are you excited?"

He said, "I didn't feel anything special. I just want to get it done asap."

I asked, "How come? How many people have you invited?"
He said, "less than 400 people."

I was shocked, "Gosh I can not imagine myself kissing my lover in front of 400 people."
He said, "I am among those who don't invite too many people. My friend had parties for 3 times, and I only have to do it once."

"Did you make something special?"
"No, I only made a suit."
"Did you pay for the whole wedding?"
"Yeah for sure."

"I can not imagine myself marrying a guy."
"It is good for you."
"Why?"
"You are brave."
"No, no. I just have this lonely life by myself and maybe some stories to tell in the end."
"But at least you have stories. My life will be like this, no more new stories."
"You are very silly to say things like that. At least when you are sick, you will have people around taking care of you. What else more do you want from life? "
"yeah. But everyone has that."
"No, not for me. If I keep drifting, no body knows when I am dead in my room."
"Please don't say so."
"......"


"Please be happy."
"Yes, I will."

"We must have a drink."
"Yes, I won't miss it."

"When are you coming back?"
"......"
"Are you at least coming back for the new year?"
"No."

-----------------

I remembered one line from 'constant gardener' .
My home is where you are.
No matter where we go what we do, as long as you are with me, I am always home.
If you are not there, I don't have a home anymore.


Where is my home?

What is more important in our life eventually?

What am I having in my hand ?
Why I am so scared?

-----------------------

Visited a friend's place with K when she was here with me.
She just got married. She planned her big big wedding for 6 months, and her husband just showed up in the wedding.

When I was watching the wedding video, I was in a deep shock.

Maybe I have been too ideal. I think what I want, is just holding his hand. And spend my time with him.
Ceremony,forms,vows. They don't matter at all.

Nothing can tie a person to you if it has changed already.


and things what you do, is what really matters in a relationship, is the thing which will affect life.
Isn't it?

------------

The new year is on Valentine's Day. 14th of Feb.
Very disturbing.

I hate holidays.

I need some alcohol to make myself feel better.

20100129

The weather is driving me crazy.
Anxiety, restlessness have been haunting me day and night.

I am tired.
If everything is in the end empty, why am I living in this world.


I kept listening to the song from Dean Martin and Billie Holiday "Baby It's cold outside".
It fits the environment here with the thick snow outside.

The song is warm. But I am not in the mood.

I want to run away from this country.
Another good friend of mine is getting married in a week. He was sad that I couldn't go to his wedding.

Marriage, really give you the sense of security you want?
I wish you happy.

20100127-2

Always, you'd like to control.
Every little things in your life,
and you never surrender.
Before they leave you, you leave them.
You call yourself, cool and reasonable.

This time, you crashed.

I remember the temperature of your hands. They are cold, a little wet, usually.
You took good care of them every winter. Still, they got chilblains.
I always put them in my hands. Or put them in my pockets. Because I am warm.
If I am around.

You wrote, you imagine yourself falling down from the 13th floor, your blood and your fresh mashing on the ground.
My heart was strangled for a moment.
I can almost see your curly hair in the sunshine when we firstly met in the first university year.

My tears came down.

I came to you first, remember?

I liked your seemingly insouciant attitude. And you are tall, very tall.
When we walked together, we looked like a couple.
But you are very serious，for a lot of things. Even too serious sometimes.
We both are.

You are so harsh outside, so soft inside. With your job, now you became so sophisticated.
But from my eyes, I still see the person 7 years ago,with those bright eyes and sunny smile.

But you had, you have so many boundaries, so many secret principles inside of your mind. You are almost a perfectionist. You do not only use those on yourself, but also on me. Because you thought I was yours.
I am your person. You said, remember?

Until something unbearable happened in your life, you crashed.
I watched you holding everything inside. You closed yourself.
I tried to touch you. I tried to call. I tried to write.

I got only several sentences back.
You said, I am busy. You take care of yourself,ok?
And you never do so. Not to me.

I couldn't help myself checking your blog several times a day. Because that is the only way I have to get to your heart.
I don't know how you are coping with this. Alcohol?Different relationships?Or something else?
You won't talk to me.

I hate myself being selfish. I exiled myself far far away from you.
You wrote me at the beginning, I don't know how much I wish you could be with me now.
Then you stopped asking for help. And you stopped writing to me like this.

I didn't realize how important you are to me. Until I read this sentence.
Even though it was only a thought, a secret thought slided through your brain. I am deeply hurt.
Because you are hurting yourself.

I am in panic.
I miss you.
Can you hear me?

I miss the old good times we spent together, those almost golden years, golden youth in our life.
We walked with each other, all these years, good or bad.
You are the only one who would shout at me and threaten me to be a nicer person, or you would just walk away.
I changed, I changed myself for you.
I remembered all those tears I had in your arms. I remembered all those late night talks.
I remembered everything.

We would call each other's name out loud. Then you or me, we ran to each other in 5 mins.

But this time, I don't know how to do this with you.

Do you know I am here?
Do you know that if you want me, I am always here?

We are both picky person. So picky, that we don't easily say, this is my friend.
We are both perfectionist.
I want you to have the best in the world. I want you to be happy.
I think you too. That's why you always say harsh words to me when I did something wrong.

I know you have been suffering.
But I couldn't be around.

Please forgive me.

I can not imagine this happening on me. I can not imagine this happening on you either.
They are the only persons we have in the world. At least this life.
Though we all know that eternity doesn't exist.

I don't regret getting to know you. You said. And I want you to be happy.

Please...
Do you know I love you deeply?

Please have a little more faith.
We all do.

...........

20100127

No matter what, walk tall.

You will be fine.
Don't think. Just do. And cope.

Walk.Don't stop.

Al di là delle nuvole

They waited for several years to meet up again.With all the coincidences.

His hands pacified her body,without any actual touch. He looked at her with all the affection in his eyes.He recoiled when she wants to kiss him. A slightest smile emerged on his lips. And he went closer to her again.
He stood up suddenly.And left her apartment.
She stood up, watched him leaving from her window.
He walked with a fast pace, but stopped and looked up. He gazed into her eyes under the red brick wall.The window reflected the light, with her vague white shadow behind.
He left without any hesitation.

However,the voice over repeated again and again, they forever love each other.

We walked too fast.
We lost our souls.
And those things which are usually considered to be trivia.

Are you satisfied?

I am not afraid of death.
I am afraid of living,the unavoidable life.





-----------------------

We don't understand something at all. But usually we think that experience and rationality will help us dealing with it better.
But how can those so-called thinking or rationality conquer the reality itself, and also the feeling, the sensation itself.

Sometimes when the absolute rationality reaches a certain level, it emerges with the face of craziness.
Compared with sensibility,there's actually no such big difference.Or better or worse.

I don't understand the track how I have been walked through.
And I don't understand what kind of plot will happen in the future.
Even how long I can live in this world, is an unknown thing.

So many uncertainties, so many imperfections.
Life itself is so weary.
However, hope, tangling co-existed with the total opposite face of the weary reality.

Often I think, I would like to keep a record for this special part of my life with the extremely emptiness and uncertainties.
But when I looked at the sky,watching the snow flying in the air.
Mostly, I am speechless.

Is it true that we have to always stand an-arm far to something we want it to be eternal?
Although the eternity never exists in the world. And human bodies, only have several decades of validity.
If we miss now, miss the present tense, what's the use of getting the eternity?

However,we pursue,isn't it because that we couldn't get it?
For things we are right now having in our hands, till when we would probably realize that they deserve to be cherished.


Life.Flower.Sunshine.Songs.Smile.Touch.Kiss.Hug.The smell of the hair.The warmth of the hands.Food.Wine.Conversations.

Are you satisfied?

0118

To people I love very much, I tend to behave silly.
I don't know the proper words to say to them. I don't know how to love,support and care at a proper timing.
Or maybe, there is no proper timing ever.

It is like you care something so much that you plan to do it well for several months. And you have plan A,B,C and etc.
It took you so much time and so much effort, however, in the end you just decided the only way not to screw it up is not doing anything at all.

I want to help. But there's nothing more I can do.
I can only say to her, I am here.

I am here for you.
Anytime.

Jan 01,2010

Became very crazy about a Finnish song named "Jos sä tahdot niin" which means if you want it that way.

Firstly I was just touched by the melody. When E translated the whole piece of the lyrics from the song for me, I couldn't help myself being shocked by the strong emotion and determination it embedded under the words which made me cry.

Especially when the singers were singing " Jos sä tahdot niin, on mulle valheesikin tosi. Jos sä tahdot niin, muutan kirjoille andorraan, jos vielä siellä sut nähdä saan." (which means " If you want it that way, your lies are true to me too; If you want it that way, I'll move to Andorra if t that's the one place I can see you again "), my heart can not stop being deeply touched.

I can go to wars, I can be your watchdog, I'll be someone else for you, I'll lay my head on your chest, I'll take your religion, I can climb up the cliff, I can take Tibet to your bed, I can do whatever makes you happy, as long as that is the way you wanted.Without you, I will be drowned in the restless nights; without love,I am on the half way to the hell. I can... if you want it that way.

It wakes me up. Sometimes, sometimes, there are so many thoughts running in my head which made me forget the most basic thing for love.
It is, using the real heart, without any holding back.

I watched a french movie "Love me if you dare" with my friend.
The spirit of "love, or die" stunned me there. As if when people who are deeply in love look at each other's eyes, the outside world doesn't exist any more. As if with the other half, they can give up everything and they don't want anything else except for each other.
When he looked at her, he smiled, just like a child, like what they promised each other when they were young. When she looked at him, her smile shined, her body glowed, and everything else around them disappeared.
Now the spirit shows again in the song.
Different culture, different language,same soul.

It is -16, with thick thick snow piling on the ground.
The full moon is so bright.

It is very nice to listen to such a beautiful, romantic and soulful song in a quiet night alone.
At this moment, my heart is soft, soft like a piece of white feather.