Asking myself

I have been thinking,
what's the point of living in this world?What's the point of running on the way all the time?What's the point of laughing,crying or oppressing all the extra emotions in front of the others?What's the point of waking up every morning?
Do I need my life to be like this?Do I need my degree that much? Can I survive without the laptop?Do I need everything they said that I should have? Why do I have to have everything they said that I should have? Is it wrong to give in?Is it too weak for me not to face up with everything?Why can't I be the one who is running away?

Is it true that I need to be a robot to look tough enough to handle everything?

I am getting tired of everything.

I am tried of everything.

I knew it was wrong to think in this way.
I have had so much and I am having so much at my hand right now. Yet, I couldn't get rid of this thought in my mind and I couldn't figure out why.

Someone told me, life would give us an end, no matter how.
I wouldn't let it decide what I can have and what I need to have.

Is this the reason?

I can not wait. Until I die.

The end of a legend.

I thought it was a joke.

I waited for several days to re-check the news.
Finally I am able to acknowledge the fact that he is gone.

But, it is a joke, isnt it?

Beauty and fame are vain.

Losing you, what's the meaning of getting the world?

....

Nobody understands how tired I am inside of me.
Why I was born with so many thoughts and it kept haunting me every minute and second.

I would like to have a lobotomy surgery if it can make my life easier.

Please, God, please, let me stop thinking.
Just stop, please. For one second.

Please let the world be quiet for one second.
Please......

Chou Chang

I was always wondering how boring a language such as English can be, especially when you are talking about love.

There are so many terminologies for different stages of sensitive feelings in Chinese, including before you started to feel anything stage to afterwards when you end up one relationship-the final stage.
Wait, there's another stage which is even though the affair is over, you still keep thinking about it for years and years, when you think of it , you feel a little sour and bitter in your heart and you couldn't say anything or tell anyone else about it except for sighing inside of your mind. And you will keep thinking about it when you do a relevant thing to this part of memories, just triggers that fragment of sweetness and bitterness.
Or, there could be a better way to solve it or there could be an better ending. If you keep thinking about it in this way with a lot of assumptions of "if"s, and you still couldn't think of a better solution after all. Put you back to the situation, you will still make the same choice and leave the sad reality alone.

This word, we call it- " Chou Chang".

There's one poet from Song dynasty named SunZhu (1031-1079) wrote one poem (There's a special form for writing poem back then in Song dynasty called 'Ci' in Chinese.) " He Man Zi- Qiu Yuan"( " He Man Zi" is a format of organizing the order of the words among 'Ci's, "Qiu Yuan" means the the sorrow from Autumn. " Yuan" is a word which is tricky, it can be the blames from female lovers to their male partners, or the sadness from a failed relationship.)

He wrote in this poem that " Tian Ruo You Qing Tian Yi Lao" which became really famous and important for contemporary culture that so many movies and literature quote it or name after it. " Tian" is sky, and it can be referred to "god" or someone unknown mythical power which is controlling our lives. The whole sentence means " the god will get old if it has emotions ( or love, feelings )". Another romantic sentence from this poem is " Chou Chang Jiu Huan Ru Men, Jue Lai Wu Chu Zhui Xun" where this " Chou Chang" that I mentioned before came from. The whole sentence means " I feel 'Chou Chang' when I am thinking of the old lover(s), because sometimes they are ( he or she) like dreams that I had, I can not re-trace them when I wake up."

This deep emotion came from a male poet which is amazing. It was quite common for men to write these beautiful sentences about love and emotions in the ancient time.
I couldn't find any European men who can fully understand this deep level of emotional stages, or are we too busy to stop and think 'did we miss something' in the disposable society?

It is a beautiful experience to re-read these poems and think about the emotions they had thousands of years ago.

-------------------------------
Reference:
SunZhu, Song dynasty, He Man Zi- Qiu Yuan.

Here is the Chinese original poem:

何满子 秋怨
宋 孙洙

怅望浮生急景，凄凉宝瑟余音。
楚客多情偏怨别，碧山远水登临。
目送连天衰草，夜阑几处疏砧。

黄叶无风自落，秋云不雨常阴。
天若有情天亦老，摇摇幽恨难禁。
惆怅旧欢如梦，觉来无处追寻。

Some questions

Maybe my life has been intertwined with my thesis too much that I couldn't stop thinking about life, inner self, core and reality.

When I was reading Barthes' "Empire of Signs" where you meet the situation that there is nothing there for you to use your background knowledge to interpret and decode, for instance the emptiness of the world from Zen theory, how are we coping with this?

It is so obviously tricky when we are dealing with intercultural communications with different languages,signs, symbols and significance, as well as the disability of explanation of the significance.

I am still thinking about it.

random thoughts

I listened to the happiest music I have in my disc.

I said to myself,
if this door is shut, why not expect the other window will eventually open?

At least I hope so.
Or, is it only a legend?

Things I have learnt

I have been living in Europe for almost two years.
It has happened so much.

Keep moving from one city to another, dragging my luggage waiting for the next train at an unfamiliar stop.

Most of the time, everything is just like a dream.
However, who doesn't think so?Life is like a dream.

Places that I have been to, things I have been through, people I have hugged and kissed.
Sometimes I think, it has given me scars.
It is like the scar that I got from the hot oil a few weeks ago while I was still in STK. Looking at the scar tissue now, it is somehow recovering bit by bit.

If I am result-oriented, I will be amazed by what kind of person I have become today.
If not, I am grateful that they have fulfilled my life and made it more colorful.

So far, I have learnt so much.
Still, I have so much to learn in the future. The only thing I know is that I didn't know enough.

I am having my fate in my hand.
He. He. He.
They have hold my hand. Yet, we all insisted to walk our own way to the different destinations, stubbornly.

Nevertheless, things that I have learnt, are not only how to respect them and their decisions.
Also how to love and save myself.