Happy New Year

Wish everyone I love Happy New Year and get everything they want in their life.

I want to work harder, be more optimistic, be healthier, think more for the others, accept the uncertainties in life and face it with courage in the next year.

No matter good or bad, we have been walking through all together.

091230

Tomorrow, I will go and see Picasso.

I miss Stockholm a lot.

Helsinki is a wet, snowy,cold, grey city.

091226

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Dec 20

Humid. -14.
Christmas market. Half meter white sausages.

Rosenheim.

Survived. Warm tea, home made marmalade and bread. Rich and peaceful Sunday breakfast.
Sunny. Snowy. Cold.

Getting ready to go to Salzburg.

Salzburg, I am coming again.

I didn't know that I would re-visit these places. Not so soon at least.

I don't know what is waiting for me next.
But I will have the patience. And try to breathe, and witness.

Saw the Sunflower

I saw Vincent's most famous sunflower today, though I liked the other one better when he was not in a good condition later.

And another painting of green field with trees. After finishing this painting, one year after, he died.

Ohh Van Gogh. Still remember last time when I saw lots of his collection in Wien, I was stunned.

The brush and the color.

Artists like him, especially in his later life, he is using his life to feel, to paint. Not only simply drawing any more.
When his life ends, his art reaches the peak.

How sad.

But I guess this is life. You have to trade for something you don't have with the thing that you have.
Consciously, or unconsciously.

the second day in MUN

Dec 18,2009, Studentenstadt, Muenchen.
Sunny. Cold. Snowy.

On the BMW building outside, it says "Freude am Fahren". And it was bright all night long.

After sleeping for 12 hours, I am ready to enjoy more about the city.

Yes. I need to be stronger. And I don't cry.

20091216

I saw two stars falling at the edge of the dark blue velvet sky.
It was -22 °C.


I watched the end of the world made up by CGs.

I thought, we should all live the moment.

Munich, I am coming. Again.

This time, happy.

rising

After the continuous conversation for two full nights without any sleep, I finally realized that I am now standing at a crossroad.
And a decision needs to be made.

It is none of any one's business.
I need to think carefully, and choose what is the best for me.
Without doubts, without the peer pressure, without any suggestions from friends or family members, a decision has to be made.

It has been a long process and I have indulged myself sinking inside for already too long.
Now, is the moment.
It is the moment to have a strong motivation, and put all my endeavor into it.
Just like in the old times, I was walking alone in the endless darkness and doubt whether there is an end. Then I found myself standing in the end of the tunnel facing the sunshine right after.

Now, if I want, there will be warms hands waiting for me.


I need to, go for whatever I want.
And it is, my business.

Life is too short after all.
And we only have one chance.

Some words to myself

You need to learn how to be more patient to realize what you really want.

Follow the agenda. Be flexible.

Do not deny. Do not run away.

Face it, and deal with it.

Enjoy.

Now, or never

So much hatred. I don't understand, and I don't want to.

Because for me, as I have mentioned so many times, it is always Now, or Never.

the distance between imagination and reality

I was reading the articles from my old blogs this morning. There was this piece very interesting.

I'll translate it into English.

"Always wanted to write something about Vienna.
It is like the soul of the whole Europe.
Or maybe it is just the soul of the Europe in my imagination.

Met one of the rare sunny days.
The thick taste of the sweetness of the famous coffee and the cake.
The beauty left in between my teeth and my tongue kept my heart in Vienna.

It only takes 4 hours by train to go to Praha from Wien. The remains of the downfallen eastern Europe made me sad.
There's no need for the landmark to indicate that it was not in Austria anymore.

Maybe it was because of the impressions I got from the movies of Princess Sissi (1955) I watched in Senior high, Romy Schneider's beautiful face left me great romantic imaginations of Austria and her love life.
Until the moment when I was in schönbrunn and listened to one piece of descriptions of the dairy from Sissi herself about her marriage with King Franz.
"What did a 15-year old child know, only took such a vow, then was sold for a whole life."
But when Franz heard of the news that Sissi was assassinated, he was silent. Then he told his close officer who worked for him, "You really don't know how much I love this woman."

So to say, it is very different from the imagination to the reality of life."

This piece was written when I finished my trip in Germany, Austria and Czech alone last year.
Now I am still touched.
The imagination and the reality is so different that it is always hard to keep the balance and handle the moment when the truth is revealed.
Beautiful Princess Sissi (from the internet)

Oct 21

I set myself free, eventually.

And I am ready for a transition.

All is white.

It snows. The first snow.

All is white.

It is quiet. I feel quiet inside.

Words to myself

Try to forgive myself, try to make it up with myself.
Accept myself of being who I am.

Do not expect too much from the others.
At the same time, keep moving forward step by step.

Know when to take a deep breath and relax, and when to go back to the battle and fight like hell.

There will be sunshine after the rain. Do not worry.

You are gonna be fine.

Yellow

At that moment, when I looked at it with the pure blue sky as the background.
I was happy.

09.10.06

I wonder what kind of inner world he has in his mind.

I am listening. I want to know.



Yann Tiersen

His piano and accordion are amazing.

German leek soup

500-600g minced pork
2 leeks
1 onion
700 ml boullion
200g philadelphia cream cheese
Fazer sour cream
Salt & Pepper


Very successfully made. Easy and tasty.

Mid-Autumn's Day

I miss my parents, so much so much.

I want to cry.

Today is the Mid-Autumn's Day.

When to leave the table

I think I am gradually following this rule: no matter what happens in my life, no complaints,no explains.
Suck everything up and keep moving forward.

My favorite writer Yishu always says, it doesn't matter much when you enter the game, and it doesn't matter whether you get good cards or not either; the most important thing is, you need to know when and how to leave the table, with the best gesture and the best style, and do not expect to get any paybacks and do not take anything with you when you choose to leave.

Yes.It is bloody true. And I am trying my best to be a mentally noble person.

sending her off in autumn

It was a cold cold night. I started to wear winter jacket.
She went on her trip to SA. All alone.

I was half worried, half jealous.

Some day, some day, I will also take a bag, to go to a place far far away. With or without a partner, it doesn't matter.

What an adventure!
Imagine all the people and all the experiences, it is worth going.

five stages of grief

"There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five :
Denial,
Anger,
Bargaining,
Depression,
Acceptance. "

0927

I also need to learn, how to say goodbye.
And, how to expect, the next meeting some day.

For the girls I have loved, I will keep them in my mind. Always. Deeply.

flower

(The image is the ginger orchid.- from the Internet)

Like Norbert Kraft's guitar, especially this piece of music: "Francisco Tarrega - Recuerdos de la Alhambra".


Those daisies in my vase are slowly fading away.

When I was a little younger, I would like to see only fresh flowers, all sorts of flowers,especially rambling roses and ginger orchid. White and fragrant flowers are always my favorite.

I hate those moments when rose petals shrink and turn sallow.

However, everything doesn't necessarily go the way I expected.

Now I am trying to learn, how to enjoy the moment when some beautiful things fade away.

Some pieces of memories

Suddenly thought of those days in Firenze. G was ironing the curtains and sheets for me in his big kitchen.

He lives in the center of the old town, 10 minutes' walking distance to the famous Domo.
His second floor was a whole big space, with the big French windows connecting the archaic balcony.

The sun set slowly. He put one of the discs with the soft music. The golden sunshine shined in his living room as if the sea blue fridge and the dark blue sofa was plated by the extremely fine gold powder.
His hair and his back, reflected the light. And his glasses.

The crude slate floor was quite glazed. Stepping on it with the bare feet, my toes felt a little chilled, like a cool breeze or a slightly cold water. But it was very clean that you can hardly find any dust on it.
It was not easy for a bachelor to make his apartment so neat.

He ironed the white cloths. The space was slowly suffused by the humid warm air.
I stood in his orange-floor balcony casually, watching bustling tourists downstairs flowed to the Domo not far away. That beautiful church, white, blue, red and green.


The sun shined half of the balcony. I looked at him through the window.
I felt warm in my heart, as if I was taken good care of.

Before the sun disappeared, the sky was painted by the transparent pink pansy brushes.

I think if I want a man some day, he has to enjoy the moment full of peace and silence with me, and take care of me, and make my lonely heart like a piece of ironed cloth, warm and neat.

I miss his balcony, and the feeling that I had there.

09.10 -2

Dear, life is short.
Life is long.

Who doesn't have all sorts of issues once in a while?

We will all survive.

09.10

Again, very depressed since the first moment I woke up.

I need to go out to save myself. Or stay?

I wanna be very selfish, just once, once like this.

dialect

Haven't used my dialect to talk with people for quite a few years, until recently I was reading one book from my favorite writer. She mentioned one saying that we used to separate different cousins because she was originally from my home town as well before she moved to Hongkong.
I suddenly remember my little cousin call my older cousin "big sister", I was ranked the second old kids among us, then i was called " small sister". Of course it sounds different to say it in my dialect.
Usually, dialects from the southeast sound soft and sweet. It adopted a lot of English words with the local pronunciation as well as its own distinct features. Southern girls are always considered to be as tender as water. Like the weather down there in the semi-tropical area, humid and warm.

If you hear people calling you with the dialect, the soft and mucous feeling would enwind your ear and head. The softest part of your heart is incidentally touched.

I laughed out loud when i read the small sentence.

Ah, I miss home. I think.

No matter how, it is still different with the slightest connection of the same blood.

09.05

Just finished one essential paragraph for the theoretical chapter that I have been thinking for over a month. No, no, even half a year.

I feel tremendously happy. =)

I am getting there.

Autumn/Z

I am exhausted.

A lot have happened recently. Something that I can say, something that I need to bury it in my mind.

Looking at the leaves outside of the window in the wind, I thought, ah, autumn is here.
The colors of red and yellow are like diseases, infecting the whole nature, eating the green away.

It has been raining the last few days. Cold rain.

I started to dream about my old friends again which I thought I have had put behind.
Something continues haunting me constantly.

My self-destructive side has been playing the major role in my life.
I need warm hugs, I need a kiss.

I miss a lot of people.

I am exhausted.

Where did the love go?

Just said that I would close this place, I thought I would change my mind sooner or later.

I am a Scorpio. I am changing my mind every second.

I was looking for a document and happened to open one file in my disk, which is my diary 2007-2008.

I read all those words full of love and warmth one year ago. I started to feel that there was water in my eyes.
I couldn't help but wonder:

Where did the love go?
Where did we go?
How come everything disappeared so fast and easily?

When you said you loved me, how real was it?

And more importantly, where did the love go?
Time?Tears?
I don't know.

There was one ancient Chinese Poem said:
"Liu Guang Rong Yi Ba Ren Pao, Hong Le Ying Tao, Lv Le Ba Jiao."
(流光容易把人抛，红了樱桃，绿了芭蕉。)
"Liu Guang" refers to the fast flowing time, "Rong yi ba ren pao" means easily threw people away. The whole sentence can be understood as people are left behind by the fast flowing time. "Hong" originally is an adjective, here it is used as a verb, referring to make something red. "Lv" is used the same way, means making something green. "Ying Tao" is cherry, "Ba Jiao" is Basjoo, one kind of banana tree with huge green leaves in Asia. So the whole sentence means " it (time) makes the cherry red, makes the Basjoo green.

Time runs too fast.
How sad it is when we suddenly wake up and there's actually nothing around us except for the endless emptiness.

What do we remember?

If I didn't writing it down, will you still remember the sentence u said by my ear which made me cry in the middle of the night?
And who is staying awake to recall it?

Sometimes I think I have lived in a wrong time. Will it be easier to live 1000 years ago?


Reference:

一剪梅·舟过吴江

蒋 捷 (1274)


一片春愁待酒浇，
江上舟摇，
楼上帘招。
秋娘渡与泰娘桥。
风又飘飘，
雨又萧萧。

何日归家洗客袍?
银字笙调，
心字香烧。
流光容易把人抛，
红了樱桃，
绿了芭蕉。

A soulful night

My sight followed his fingers wandering on his harp with an extremely beautiful gesture like a pilot sleep-walking on the moon.

I kept thinking about the music from the moment I arrived home around 5:30 am. When I woke up, my mood was still in this extremely soft and warm status from last night as if I have always been lying in a huge warm blanket which wrapped me safely.

It feels like I was hypnotized by his fingers and his voice.

And with all those conversations, I am more confused.
How can a man keep all those thoughts all night long without a small break?

I think I need some rest.

ps. The song he taught me is so soft with latin lyrics. Sadly now I forgot its name.
And also "hallelujah". The only verson I knew before was from Jeff Buckley's whom was an extremely beautiful man and one of my favorite male singers.

A short conversation

He asked me, "Are you still using Nokia? I always thought Blackberry was more like your style."

I said, " Yes, the same old one. I didn't change. We define things. We don't need things to define us. I do not care which brand I am using, I care who is still on my contact list. And I don't have style, I only see the function. If I am not doing any business, what could I do with all the extra functions?"

He was surprised, "You see the real emptiness now. It is usually easy for people to go from 0 to 100, but hard for them to go from 100 back to 0."

I replied, "No, I am just more simple and purer than before. And I want to use my limited energy on things which I really care."

"I am still who I am."
"How do you know that you are still the same person?"
"I have behaved like what I have said."

Datura

The process of decision making is always long and hard.

However, we all actually secretly knew what we would choose long time ago.
It just takes time for us to realize it and admit it.
And of course it hurts.

No matter based on what kind of excuses or reasons, it doesn't matter after all.
When the decision is made, it is made.

And I am a person who doesn't take time to think of a proper excuse.
I see, the result.

---------------------------
If I am a crazy dancer, then I am spending my life-time looking for my partner.
Or a strong man with the strong mind and warm hands, waiting for me to hold his hands when I am tired of dancing.

I have this craziness deeply in my blood. Dark and powerful. Sometimes harmful.

Every girl is a datura. Fragrant but poisonous.
As long as they don't love anyone.
They are all poisonous.

I think I am poisonous.

buttons and bows

Have been listening to one album of traditional Irish Music in my disc, I found myself getting more and more addicted.
"Buttons and bows" and "Anna Mhoirech" are my favorite.

Usually, good music, can touch the deepest and softest part of heart. There's no language or ethnic differences, only enjoying it with the same sorrow or joy.
And, good music, can easily make me burst into tears.

It must be a paradoxical nation with strong love and hatred, radical happiness entangled with deep melancholy in my imagination from those pieces of melodies.


My next trip, Ireland is on the list.

Plus, I love the Irish beer.
Let's make it as a motivation of my endless writing.
I need more passion.

Sometimes, sometimes. when I am tired of running and questioning, I think.
Sitting by the big blue sea to see a beautiful sunset with someone I trust and love, would be the happiest thing and the only thing I want in the world and worth dying for.
But a simple wish, is the hardest.

I shouldn't be greedy.

=)

He looked among huge piles of books and papers.

He held two books in his hand, hesitated and asked.

"Do you read German?"
"Nein, Ich spreche nicht Deutsch."

"Do you read Finnish?"
"Ei, ma en puhu suomea."

=)

ps.
1.He had two books about multimodalities in German and Finnish wanting to lend me.
2.He is a nice man.

8.13

I guess I am oftenly blind.

And sometimes I indulge myself to be wild and blind.
Because I know that I am too picky and I judge too much that nobody fits my world.

But isn't there an end?
Is it now?

Are you sober.
Wake up.

I am having a lot.
Don't be greedy.

Disappear

I am tired.

I will hide somewhere. And I don't want to see anyone.

D-i-s-a-p-p-e-a-r--

I am a roller-coaster girl.

Don't cry.

When the bus came, he hugged me tight.
"Take care, baby."

When he was paying for the bus fee, he was still making funny faces behind the driver's back to me to prevent me from crying.
A stayed up for a whole night with us trying her best to comfort me. And she was so concerned about my feelings on our way back home that I decided not to cry in front of her.

P came to ring my door bell in the evening to check out whether I am doing ok or not.
K called me to check if I was still alive.

They are worried about me. I know.

When I was riding to posti this afternoon, I saw new students walking on the street speaking English introducing themselves to the other friends around.
I started to count the first year when I was one of them, how many people I have walked with before I had my bike.
And now they are all dispersed at different places in the world.

The smell of the night, the never-goes-down sun, the blue sky and lakes, the burning sunlight and the fresh dry air, various berries growing by the streets and the lively blossom of daisy.
I can still recall these first impressions for this country when I stepped on this land. These fragments took a large amount of the reminiscence tied to my sentimental olfaction, gustation and vision in my brain.

I hear myself breathing. The emptiness in my chest kept me being in a daze for a whole day.

When I was watching "Ashes of time" for the first time, I remembered one sentence very well.
People suffer a lot because they have too good memories.

For a person like me, who has the photographic memories about people whom I care, suffering is almost one part of my daily work. The larger the happiness is, the bigger the pain is.

There have been several people telling me that I should learn how to preserve the feelings for myself.

They told me, you gave people too much which sometimes was not what they want from the others.
Putting the other's feeling over mine is not always good and sometimes it is over-whelming for people I love and myself.

Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I had never learned.


He said," you are never angry with me, that's why I can say mean things to you and I am harsh on you sometimes which I don't do to the others."
I answered, " it is because my patience for you hasn't run out yet. When it runs out, then there'll be none left. And I will be gone. It applies to everyone."

Sometimes people around me never do compromises. Their attitude is always " take it or leave it. this is me." and they argued that they are like this because they treat people equally and respectfully.
At first I thought it was correct and it was easy to have their own lives. Later I started to wonder, maybe they were just using it as an excuse to be lazy and not putting effort to remain a relation with the others.
This passive-aggressive attitude is fair for themselves but unfair for people who love them.

Who takes the initiative? Who takes the charge? Who gives in firstly? Who says I love you firstly? Who's gonna be the one adjusting himself/herself for the other one?How to calculate everything?

There's always a secret war between people as long as there's affection existing.
And most of us don't know how to appreciate the work that the other has done because we think we have being treating others "equally".
Breaking the normal way of doing things become unbearable.

Keeping the balance of being self-preserved, self-protected and giving without a condition is never easy.

I don't know how to improve myself yet.
I will learn. I hope.

At least, I am sad and I am scared because I still have things to lose.

August 2

I just wanna say, I am thankful for all the love from my dearest friends here who would like to do anything for me without expecting me paying back.

I appreciated everything happened and happening.

I just hope there's another new start, very soon.

And it is going to be very bright again.

If I can be any wiser, I would like to suffer.

In 2 days, it will be my 3rd year here.

Babies

I used to discuss with R that because of the one-child policy in China that I only learnt how to love a man and take care of him persistently from the pattern of how my parents get along with each other, I did not know how to deal with kids.

Since my parents didn't like any other child, they don't act like the other parents for example when they see little infant, they would scream loud "cute!!" and start baby-talk with them, touch and hold them immediately in their arms. Instead, my parents just politely say to the other parents " This kid is cute" and then walked away.
Besides, my cousins are all at my age, either younger or elder for a few years. Maybe I learnt how to share things and cooperate with them, never how to deal with them.

I went to a meeting last night and met many great people there. Most of them are married couples that they do believe that people should love the others without expecting anything as paybacks or to love with any preconditions. And their infants have been growing up in the church that they were not afraid of being touched and cuddled.
I was staring at them crawling on the ground at the beginning with fear. Because I was afraid that they would suddenly scream or do something crazy to people. I dare not to touch them and I was even scared to talk to the pregnant women since I always judge them that they are too different and too self-sacrificed for men.
They are vivid lives, different individuals with different bodies and ideologies since the moment they left mom's womb. Thinking of all the responsibilities and obligations I shall take if I have a child, the idea itself is heavy and scary enough for me to chicken out and walk away without a hesitation.

There he is, a handsome young man, laying in front of his mom's chest and observed everyone of us with his big blue innocent eyes with huge curiosity. I asked his mom, " May I? I am afraid that I will break his arm or legs..." She laughed and said " Don't worry, kids are strong." She petted him on his back. I surprisingly found that the kid's back didn't go sunken with his mom's hand as I expected. My curiosity drove me lifted him up via holding up his armpit with his little soft fatty arms splaying in the air.
Hmmm, very soft. This is my first thought. Well,also quite heavy. There comes my second thought.

He was very excited to be held up standing on the ground. But, he did something out of my expectation that he grabbed my hair all of a sudden. His hand is so strong and powerful not like a 6-month kid and he started to put my hair into his mouth.
Finally his mom came to save me and she educated him to stop eating my hair. I secretly thought, when he grows up, he might marry an Asian girl just like me. Haha.
With the first try, his brave act made me thought that he was not that different from all the other grown-up men around me. When his mom needs to take a phone call, I held him in my arms walking to the kitchen. I was surprised that I naturally know how to put my arms to make him comfortable. I admit that I was still a little scared of him screaming because of my mis-putting of my arms around him. Amazingly, he was happy and he was trying to touch the other's camera. He laid in front of my chest that I felt I was trusted by him.
I was excited about this whole brand new feeling that people can trust each other that much.
And kids are not like monsters as they used to be in my imagination.

The warmth and the softness touched one part of my heart that I couldn't stop thinking of his fat arms around me.

Okay. I still don't think it is a good idea to get pregnant and have a baby by myself. But, it is not a bad idea to have one maybe in the future if I have enough money.

This idea, is brand new for me.
Thank you James. You are a very charming baby and you will grow up as a charming man in the future.

Monday

I used to dream a lot.

In the farm I kept dreaming certain people for a whole month.
After the farm, I switched to dream random things as if time, or something else changed my core.

I got her back. Then I lost her again because after being in silence for one year and a half, our ideologies have changed so dramatically that we didn't even know each other any more even though we had the best friendship for more than 6 years.
From that, I learnt, no matter how, I do not want to lose someone easily again.
I did not try hard enough to keep her. I take 50% of the responsibility.

I only dreamt home once, once in two years.

I asked J, how will you feel if I choose to leave Europe?
I did not know why I asked. Then I thought I shouldn't have asked him.

I remembered I was walking in a small lane alone near my home. It was so real, so familiar, but so strange.
When I woke up, I got totally sweaty. That was in Feb while I was in STK. I remembered it as if it just happened yesterday.

Recently, I found I was becoming weaker and weaker that I have the tendency to hold on something or someone. And I am having the panic attack more often.
I drink more and more compared with the first year I was abroad. It might speed up the pace of false moving-on, the depressive moments became more and more frightening and it costs me more energy to cope with.

Is it time to go back?
Is it time to hug my old friends and kiss them?
Is it time to see Asian faces?
Is it time to feel 'not alone' once?

Then, will I be brave enough to come back?

-------------------------------

After I watched the documentary 'Home' (2009) several days ago, some of my thoughts are changing.
If we only have 40 years to live happily on this earth, what more can I do for it?
What is the point of fighting in the small office for the little salary? What is the point of grieving for personal issues while our mother earth is in pain? What is the point of getting married and blindly reproduce the next generation? Isn't it the time for all the nations to unite together to protect the earth?
We will be the generation to witness the earth might be destroyed by the earthquake, tornado, typhoons, tsunami, volcanic eruption and climate abnormality and etc.
We have only less than 10 years to change everything before it gets too late.
What difference can I make for the future?

I am still thinking.
And the future is not that far away in front waiting.

Who will win?

The rationality and desire are like ice and fire.

Who will win?

Some thoughts of mine

Sometimes I think my life is mostly a joke, although I knew it wasn't true.
I knew there's different cases and different people who can handle different levels of pain and stress.

Some would laugh at all the troubles and walk over it like there's nothing wrong at all. They simply just do not care about those little things, because they have bigger pictures in their lives and they have something else more beautiful to fight for which make them look over the small troubles in front. I call them, real heroes.

Some, they are just not aware of the fact that someone is actually focusing on seeking themselves all the time. They live simply and happily, they do not think much and they are happy because of being innocent and not realising that life can be complicated if they want. For those, I envy them.

Some would pretend that there's nothing wrong in their lives and try to laugh as loud as possible to fool the others and themselves. And they are usually so good at pretending that they couldn't distinguish the difference between the real face and the fake one. They literally wear the mask and take the fake one as the real one for good, and never doubt it.
Because once they start to doubt, their philosophies and their lives are going to fall apart. And that, that is the fact that they can not handle. For these, I would say " we cope in different ways" to comfort them.
Anyways, it is their lives. If they do not want to change, no one can help.

Some, for example like me, would be occasionally defeated by small things happening in life because I am too sensitive and over think of things which should not be considered as a major issue. But, I have a bigger picture. I am brave enough to face up the real me, no matter how ugly she is and no matter how unbearable she is. I always take the truth. I always take the reality.

My father once told me, people usually don't take the reality because it is sometimes too ugly that it breaks the so-called beauty in their eyes. They would rather neglect the flaws and imperfections.
White lies work on them perfectly. They dare not to tell the others the reality, they dare not to turn people down because they assume people can not take it just like themselves.
They choose to let it go in silence.
Gradually, something disappear in silence. They lose something that they will never get it back ever. They are too afraid to admit because the fact itself will be too much for them to handle.

So, they are mute.

I am one of those, who do not take silence as an answer. I need people to spit it out, no matter good or bad, I face it and I fix it.

All in all, I think I am a fighter. I am dark and twisted inside, but I have a bigger picture.
I believe in hopes, and I do believe in miracles.



I remember the reason why I started to write this blog.
I do a lot of things people would think it is unnecessary and meaningless.

In my eyes, they are meaningful. It helps me to face up with myself, it helps to clarify my thoughts and my mind. It helps me to become a better me. More humane, more thoughtful, warmer and more sensitive.
Although I am always in a secret battle with myself all the time, I am not going to surrender.

Don quichot would say, pick the right enemy and the right battle.
My battle is fixed. My enemy is fixed.

And I am invincible.
It is so good to know.

We are all somehow somewhat damaged, by the others, by the things happened on us or something happened on the ones that we love or loved.
The world is frightening. We hurt people and get hurt all the time.

Remember, failing does not take away the reality that someone among us are lions.
Scars only proves that they have been through a lot of glorious battles.

Move on

When the black hole in my mind sucked me in, I chose to drink and sleep over it.

Then I went asking for help.

P was really good.
That's why I need my friends.
They are always around.
And they blame me if I didn't ask for help from them when I needed.

I suddenly burst into tears in front of her while laughing badly.

Now I have a plan. And I need to change.

It is scary. It is always scary and hurting.
But I have hopes, I have hopes and love. A lot of love from friends that I love and people I care, a lot of courage from them.

I fall, i get up and keep walking. Walk tall.

We live in such a imperfect world. And we are all imperfect people.

Never give up, never surrender, never compromise.

If fall, fall in a better way next time or stand up quicker.

Never stop walking forward.

I dunno.

I always thought it was because of the continuous rainy days.

But today is a sunny day.

I found the thought of " I am tired of my life and I am tired of everything" has been haunting me everyday since the first moment I open my eyes.

I am using all kinds of positive attitudes and thoughts to cope with this powerless feeling.

I can not give in. I can not drown to death.

I want to survive. I need to.

090712

I am sitting in the couch in the living room alone.

I am looking at the sky getting darker and darker bit by bit.

I am having my heavy reading materials on my hands.

I am having an unknown future waiting ahead.

I have a lot of chances. I do not have so many choices.

I listened to some pieces of music coming from my laptop from my room.

I miss you.

I feel lonely.

Where are you? What are you doing?
Are you smiling without any shadow in your heart?


I have kept thinking one sentence from one of my favorite female writers Zhang AiLing.

She says.
Life is just like a gorgeous gown, with lots of lice crawling on.

Indeed, isn't it?

We are all lonely.



Hope tomorrow can be a sunny day.

Butterfly effect

Just had a fabulous week with my sweet E and R and other friends.

Woke up this morning, I opened explorer to check FB's news feed and all the pictures friends put there. I started to wonder, has everything really happened?

I was haunted by the dutch employment regulation for a whole day yesterday which gave me a huge trouble falling asleep.
There's no fairness in this world. Although I have known this for long, when it attacked me, I am still shocked. It feels like someone poured a bucket full of icy water on top of me.
So bloody cruel, but real.

I feel scared when I think of the butterfly effect theory. You never know whose mood, feeling or decision today will influence your whole life. And you never know your feeling, behaviour or decision will affect whom.
Life is all about decision makings and we had to make choices all the time.

Someone chose to be the one who picks the others, someone chose to be the one who was picked by the others or fate. Someone wanted to pick up their own destiny, but somehow couldn't.
And no one can avoid to be picked at least once in their life.

Priorities and decision-makings, constitute the invisible net in the air among human communications and interactions.

I don't want to be chosen. I want to choose.
But then how?

Asking myself

I have been thinking,
what's the point of living in this world?What's the point of running on the way all the time?What's the point of laughing,crying or oppressing all the extra emotions in front of the others?What's the point of waking up every morning?
Do I need my life to be like this?Do I need my degree that much? Can I survive without the laptop?Do I need everything they said that I should have? Why do I have to have everything they said that I should have? Is it wrong to give in?Is it too weak for me not to face up with everything?Why can't I be the one who is running away?

Is it true that I need to be a robot to look tough enough to handle everything?

I am getting tired of everything.

I am tried of everything.

I knew it was wrong to think in this way.
I have had so much and I am having so much at my hand right now. Yet, I couldn't get rid of this thought in my mind and I couldn't figure out why.

Someone told me, life would give us an end, no matter how.
I wouldn't let it decide what I can have and what I need to have.

Is this the reason?

I can not wait. Until I die.

The end of a legend.

I thought it was a joke.

I waited for several days to re-check the news.
Finally I am able to acknowledge the fact that he is gone.

But, it is a joke, isnt it?

Beauty and fame are vain.

Losing you, what's the meaning of getting the world?

....

Nobody understands how tired I am inside of me.
Why I was born with so many thoughts and it kept haunting me every minute and second.

I would like to have a lobotomy surgery if it can make my life easier.

Please, God, please, let me stop thinking.
Just stop, please. For one second.

Please let the world be quiet for one second.
Please......

Chou Chang

I was always wondering how boring a language such as English can be, especially when you are talking about love.

There are so many terminologies for different stages of sensitive feelings in Chinese, including before you started to feel anything stage to afterwards when you end up one relationship-the final stage.
Wait, there's another stage which is even though the affair is over, you still keep thinking about it for years and years, when you think of it , you feel a little sour and bitter in your heart and you couldn't say anything or tell anyone else about it except for sighing inside of your mind. And you will keep thinking about it when you do a relevant thing to this part of memories, just triggers that fragment of sweetness and bitterness.
Or, there could be a better way to solve it or there could be an better ending. If you keep thinking about it in this way with a lot of assumptions of "if"s, and you still couldn't think of a better solution after all. Put you back to the situation, you will still make the same choice and leave the sad reality alone.

This word, we call it- " Chou Chang".

There's one poet from Song dynasty named SunZhu (1031-1079) wrote one poem (There's a special form for writing poem back then in Song dynasty called 'Ci' in Chinese.) " He Man Zi- Qiu Yuan"( " He Man Zi" is a format of organizing the order of the words among 'Ci's, "Qiu Yuan" means the the sorrow from Autumn. " Yuan" is a word which is tricky, it can be the blames from female lovers to their male partners, or the sadness from a failed relationship.)

He wrote in this poem that " Tian Ruo You Qing Tian Yi Lao" which became really famous and important for contemporary culture that so many movies and literature quote it or name after it. " Tian" is sky, and it can be referred to "god" or someone unknown mythical power which is controlling our lives. The whole sentence means " the god will get old if it has emotions ( or love, feelings )". Another romantic sentence from this poem is " Chou Chang Jiu Huan Ru Men, Jue Lai Wu Chu Zhui Xun" where this " Chou Chang" that I mentioned before came from. The whole sentence means " I feel 'Chou Chang' when I am thinking of the old lover(s), because sometimes they are ( he or she) like dreams that I had, I can not re-trace them when I wake up."

This deep emotion came from a male poet which is amazing. It was quite common for men to write these beautiful sentences about love and emotions in the ancient time.
I couldn't find any European men who can fully understand this deep level of emotional stages, or are we too busy to stop and think 'did we miss something' in the disposable society?

It is a beautiful experience to re-read these poems and think about the emotions they had thousands of years ago.

-------------------------------
Reference:
SunZhu, Song dynasty, He Man Zi- Qiu Yuan.

Here is the Chinese original poem:

何满子 秋怨
宋 孙洙

怅望浮生急景，凄凉宝瑟余音。
楚客多情偏怨别，碧山远水登临。
目送连天衰草，夜阑几处疏砧。

黄叶无风自落，秋云不雨常阴。
天若有情天亦老，摇摇幽恨难禁。
惆怅旧欢如梦，觉来无处追寻。

Some questions

Maybe my life has been intertwined with my thesis too much that I couldn't stop thinking about life, inner self, core and reality.

When I was reading Barthes' "Empire of Signs" where you meet the situation that there is nothing there for you to use your background knowledge to interpret and decode, for instance the emptiness of the world from Zen theory, how are we coping with this?

It is so obviously tricky when we are dealing with intercultural communications with different languages,signs, symbols and significance, as well as the disability of explanation of the significance.

I am still thinking about it.

random thoughts

I listened to the happiest music I have in my disc.

I said to myself,
if this door is shut, why not expect the other window will eventually open?

At least I hope so.
Or, is it only a legend?

Things I have learnt

I have been living in Europe for almost two years.
It has happened so much.

Keep moving from one city to another, dragging my luggage waiting for the next train at an unfamiliar stop.

Most of the time, everything is just like a dream.
However, who doesn't think so?Life is like a dream.

Places that I have been to, things I have been through, people I have hugged and kissed.
Sometimes I think, it has given me scars.
It is like the scar that I got from the hot oil a few weeks ago while I was still in STK. Looking at the scar tissue now, it is somehow recovering bit by bit.

If I am result-oriented, I will be amazed by what kind of person I have become today.
If not, I am grateful that they have fulfilled my life and made it more colorful.

So far, I have learnt so much.
Still, I have so much to learn in the future. The only thing I know is that I didn't know enough.

I am having my fate in my hand.
He. He. He.
They have hold my hand. Yet, we all insisted to walk our own way to the different destinations, stubbornly.

Nevertheless, things that I have learnt, are not only how to respect them and their decisions.
Also how to love and save myself.

Noisy world

I think I have talked too much.

When I am stressful, I tend to do abnormal things.

I need to sink under the water and think about what I want from life.

Leave me alone.

---------
Sunny Sunday afternoon beer at Carlsberg brewery made me have a big headache right now.

Life is all about experience.

We had a very impressive and pleasant conversation, in that small room, while the wind was blowing the tree outside of the window like hell.

J told me. Life is all about experience.

Why should we set the boundaries all the time and limit our infinite possibilities?
If we always think, "oh this won't fit"," oh that won't work", how can we actually make everything work?

Human beings tend to surprise themselves all the time. And our potential of producing infinite possibilities is amazingly great. The persistence and determination of execution can give us a big joy and tons of happiness.

He is the first male Gemini I have ever met. Very wise and open-minded.

The great thing is, we are both that kind of person who would feel extremely happy and satisfied with experiencing a big challenge to ourselves and we tend to gain a huge amount of entertainment from it no matter how good or bad the result is.
Challenging itself is brave enough and has been a big step in our life already.

I enjoy surprising myself very very much.

Like he always said, " I don't want to lay on my grave yard and regret 'ooh I should have done this and that', that's pathetic."

I want to write down the inspiration I had from this conversation.

I always thought life was too short since my grandpa died last year.
I kept thinking about alternative-reality and different decision makings.

How many really great people whom can actually touch your heart and make it beat like a drum you can meet in your whole life?
"You are very lucky if you get one." J said, he looked at me straightly into my eyes.

Maybe, the theory of "the one" actually doesn't exist.
Often, the difference is always about how much effort you want to put or how much you want to devote yourself into it to make him/her to become " the one". Meanwhile the timing matters, but it comes the second.

We tend to think, " there will be a better one." The truth is, there might not be a better one in the next corner if you are always wondering whether he/she is the one.

Wasting time on being scared of the risk would be the biggest mistake.

Very soon. Faster than we can imagine. We are all old.

I will remember that.

PS.We discussed a very funny major difference of ways of thinking between men and women when they were coping with the pain.
Most of the women tend to keep talking to their girlfriends and grieving for a long time to try to move on when healed. However, men tend to keep all the feelings at a very superficial level or keep it to themselves, not willing to talk about it and try to move on as fast as possible.
The situation which would happen on a man is, after quickly moving on for maybe 6 months, he would probably fall into a deep emotional depression one day suddenly and couldn't figure out why.
I laughed loudly when I heard him analyzing.

Communication is such a big fun for me. =D

Night in CPH

When my life becomes a mess and I feel everything can not be figured out in a short time period, after torturing myself for a long time, in the end I would usually curse" f**k you all" .Then I will stop panicking to get at least one thing done which can be under my control. And move on to the next.

Usually I hesitate, because I care too much about the result.

If I don't put so much effort, I wouldn't get hurt that easily. Meanwhile, the joy will be reduced correspondingly.
Fun or torture, depends on the person. Besides, challenge and torture can be so stimulative to become addictive.

I remember that there is one Zen story.
That is a conversation between two monks while they are watching one flag swaying in the wind.
Monk 1- Look, the flag is swaying because of the strong wind.
Monk 2- No, the flag is swaying because that your mind/heart is changing.


When something or someone is bothering me and makes me hard to sleep during night, I will abandon everything to take a trip to somewhere I dreamt for a long time. It is not called escaping or running away, it can be a good distraction. In a new place, a new environment meeting new people, it can give me a new angel to re-consider the whole issue and see my world from another point of view.

It was a rainy night in Copenhagen.
A big room. White sheets and blanket.

I heard everyone coming and going out and the door kept slamming.
In such an old building, I hear everything.

I put some music on.
I listen to some music, because they remind me some places or someone.
I miss them. I get relaxed when I am alone, missing someone.

Bye.

I have learnt so many languages to say goodbyes.

However.
It is still the hardest.

Now or Never

I heard a young man playing bass while waiting for the late night metro.

Melodious song with devious tones produced a bizarre echo in the narrow waiting hall while the wind blew away some of the sound. I watched the sorrow from the song going with the wind hitting the wall, knocking everyone.
Passengers got on and off, walked by, walked to their destinations.
The song kept playing. He looked at his bass.
I looked at him,carefully listened to those pieces of music.

I suddenly remembered the grey cat I saw this evening.

We looked at each other.
I don't know why we looked at each other.
I don't know why we met each other.
We looked at each other.

I tried to read his mind, but it was too fast.

Soon, he turned his head away.
Still, I looked at him.

If one starts to think all the meanings behind of one gesture, one unfinished sentence, one glimpse, one gaze, one gentle sigh, it would be harder for him to smile.
That is the reason why we keep ourselves running all the time to avoid facing the sadness of the reality.
Who is brave enough to stand still, look at the sorrow itself and solve it?

I am looking at it, trying to smile back.
Are you brave enough to stand by me?

For a lot of things, it is now or never.

A warm afternoon

That was one beautiful sunny afternoon.

We went to the old town and tried to find a good cafe to enjoy the sunshine.

There she is.
You'll never know what kind of beauty you would see around the next corner.
Then we met her.

An old pink bike with remnants of the broken seat leaning to the archaic brown wooden wall. The dirty yellow sponge jumped out from the lacerated black leather surface. The fresh pink flower in the front cany basket trembling in the tender early summer breeze.

The warm sun shined from the other end of the small lane. Perfect light and shadow on the crude yellow wall and rocky ground.


I looked at her.
She was there.
Although aged. Quiet. And elegant.

Green plants. Red, green, red towels. Stone yellow wall. Wooden table. Two small white bowls probably for cat food. Light and shadow.


It is always good to sit down with a close friend to talk everything in your life.
When this friend is extremely open-minded, warm and respectful with the similar interests and ideology, the conversation can be more than a pleasant enjoyment.
Relationships, attitude towards marriage,kids, families and everything we have been through in this half a year composed this 2-hour long coffee time.

We sat until we felt a little chill. Then we went lost somewhere near St.Eriksplan because we were so confident that we were the same as locals. We walked to a random park and sat down to watch strong young men running in the field playing football with their blond long hair free flowing in the wind reflecting the golden sunshine.

Who cares what we wanted from the beginning of the tour?
If you can get infinitely close to what you want from the beginning, it is a big success.
But if not, it is also good that you get to see different things along the way which you didn't expect.

Close your eyes, breathe.
Did you smell the early summer? :)

Something that I want to say to myself

Live as if there's only 24 hours left in your life.

Facing up yourself without any denying.

Do not waste anytime on wondering whether you are fit for the standards orworrying about if you would fail the other's expectations. Do not deny yourself from being whom you are just because you do not fit in.

Do not afraid to be different. Although you will pay some price, it is worth. And you will get happiness, even though the moment of being happy is short. After all, nothing is eternal.

You only have one life in your hand and life is too short. Make good use of it.

We can always handle. We can always figure out a way. But do not be scared because of worrying the possibility whether you can fix it or not, or wandering too much only thinking about how and why.Do not let it be an excuse to block your way from being different and chase after what you really want from your heart.

Cry whenever you want to cry. Try to be as happy as possible when you laugh.

Love people that you love when you still have a chance, although sometimes love hurts. And remember to tell them out loud when you still can.

Acknowledge the fact that everybody judges, including yourself. But do not let it be an obstacle while you are making some important decisions.

Do not afraid to ask even though you will be turned down. If you are refused, move on! It will surely take some time, the point is, do not let it beat you from trying.
Getting refused and hurt even badly will not change whom you are and how people see you. Even if it does change how people see you, they are not your friends and you do not need to spend time caring those thoughts from whom are not your friends.
Remember? Life is too short.

One can not please everyone.

And You will always get a chance to be happy as long as you are yourself.

People whom you love including your friends and parents may not fully understand you sometimes, wait for a proper timing and do not stop trying. And they will eventually understand. If they couldn't, as long as they love you, they will stand behind your back and respect your decisions.

Try to be as flexible as possible and accept whatever it is in front of you.

Set the goal and go for it.
Even you fail, you get to learn.We all get to learn through our own stupidity and failure.

So far, that's all.
And I am happy to realize who I am and what kind of person I want to be.
And I do not feel ashamed about myself being me.