Where did the love go?

Just said that I would close this place, I thought I would change my mind sooner or later.

I am a Scorpio. I am changing my mind every second.

I was looking for a document and happened to open one file in my disk, which is my diary 2007-2008.

I read all those words full of love and warmth one year ago. I started to feel that there was water in my eyes.
I couldn't help but wonder:

Where did the love go?
Where did we go?
How come everything disappeared so fast and easily?

When you said you loved me, how real was it?

And more importantly, where did the love go?
Time?Tears?
I don't know.

There was one ancient Chinese Poem said:
"Liu Guang Rong Yi Ba Ren Pao, Hong Le Ying Tao, Lv Le Ba Jiao."
(流光容易把人抛，红了樱桃，绿了芭蕉。)
"Liu Guang" refers to the fast flowing time, "Rong yi ba ren pao" means easily threw people away. The whole sentence can be understood as people are left behind by the fast flowing time. "Hong" originally is an adjective, here it is used as a verb, referring to make something red. "Lv" is used the same way, means making something green. "Ying Tao" is cherry, "Ba Jiao" is Basjoo, one kind of banana tree with huge green leaves in Asia. So the whole sentence means " it (time) makes the cherry red, makes the Basjoo green.

Time runs too fast.
How sad it is when we suddenly wake up and there's actually nothing around us except for the endless emptiness.

What do we remember?

If I didn't writing it down, will you still remember the sentence u said by my ear which made me cry in the middle of the night?
And who is staying awake to recall it?

Sometimes I think I have lived in a wrong time. Will it be easier to live 1000 years ago?


Reference:

一剪梅·舟过吴江

蒋 捷 (1274)


一片春愁待酒浇，
江上舟摇，
楼上帘招。
秋娘渡与泰娘桥。
风又飘飘，
雨又萧萧。

何日归家洗客袍?
银字笙调，
心字香烧。
流光容易把人抛，
红了樱桃，
绿了芭蕉。

A soulful night

My sight followed his fingers wandering on his harp with an extremely beautiful gesture like a pilot sleep-walking on the moon.

I kept thinking about the music from the moment I arrived home around 5:30 am. When I woke up, my mood was still in this extremely soft and warm status from last night as if I have always been lying in a huge warm blanket which wrapped me safely.

It feels like I was hypnotized by his fingers and his voice.

And with all those conversations, I am more confused.
How can a man keep all those thoughts all night long without a small break?

I think I need some rest.

ps. The song he taught me is so soft with latin lyrics. Sadly now I forgot its name.
And also "hallelujah". The only verson I knew before was from Jeff Buckley's whom was an extremely beautiful man and one of my favorite male singers.

A short conversation

He asked me, "Are you still using Nokia? I always thought Blackberry was more like your style."

I said, " Yes, the same old one. I didn't change. We define things. We don't need things to define us. I do not care which brand I am using, I care who is still on my contact list. And I don't have style, I only see the function. If I am not doing any business, what could I do with all the extra functions?"

He was surprised, "You see the real emptiness now. It is usually easy for people to go from 0 to 100, but hard for them to go from 100 back to 0."

I replied, "No, I am just more simple and purer than before. And I want to use my limited energy on things which I really care."

"I am still who I am."
"How do you know that you are still the same person?"
"I have behaved like what I have said."

Datura

The process of decision making is always long and hard.

However, we all actually secretly knew what we would choose long time ago.
It just takes time for us to realize it and admit it.
And of course it hurts.

No matter based on what kind of excuses or reasons, it doesn't matter after all.
When the decision is made, it is made.

And I am a person who doesn't take time to think of a proper excuse.
I see, the result.

---------------------------
If I am a crazy dancer, then I am spending my life-time looking for my partner.
Or a strong man with the strong mind and warm hands, waiting for me to hold his hands when I am tired of dancing.

I have this craziness deeply in my blood. Dark and powerful. Sometimes harmful.

Every girl is a datura. Fragrant but poisonous.
As long as they don't love anyone.
They are all poisonous.

I think I am poisonous.

buttons and bows

Have been listening to one album of traditional Irish Music in my disc, I found myself getting more and more addicted.
"Buttons and bows" and "Anna Mhoirech" are my favorite.

Usually, good music, can touch the deepest and softest part of heart. There's no language or ethnic differences, only enjoying it with the same sorrow or joy.
And, good music, can easily make me burst into tears.

It must be a paradoxical nation with strong love and hatred, radical happiness entangled with deep melancholy in my imagination from those pieces of melodies.


My next trip, Ireland is on the list.

Plus, I love the Irish beer.
Let's make it as a motivation of my endless writing.
I need more passion.

Sometimes, sometimes. when I am tired of running and questioning, I think.
Sitting by the big blue sea to see a beautiful sunset with someone I trust and love, would be the happiest thing and the only thing I want in the world and worth dying for.
But a simple wish, is the hardest.

I shouldn't be greedy.

=)

He looked among huge piles of books and papers.

He held two books in his hand, hesitated and asked.

"Do you read German?"
"Nein, Ich spreche nicht Deutsch."

"Do you read Finnish?"
"Ei, ma en puhu suomea."

=)

ps.
1.He had two books about multimodalities in German and Finnish wanting to lend me.
2.He is a nice man.

8.13

I guess I am oftenly blind.

And sometimes I indulge myself to be wild and blind.
Because I know that I am too picky and I judge too much that nobody fits my world.

But isn't there an end?
Is it now?

Are you sober.
Wake up.

I am having a lot.
Don't be greedy.

Disappear

I am tired.

I will hide somewhere. And I don't want to see anyone.

D-i-s-a-p-p-e-a-r--

I am a roller-coaster girl.

Don't cry.

When the bus came, he hugged me tight.
"Take care, baby."

When he was paying for the bus fee, he was still making funny faces behind the driver's back to me to prevent me from crying.
A stayed up for a whole night with us trying her best to comfort me. And she was so concerned about my feelings on our way back home that I decided not to cry in front of her.

P came to ring my door bell in the evening to check out whether I am doing ok or not.
K called me to check if I was still alive.

They are worried about me. I know.

When I was riding to posti this afternoon, I saw new students walking on the street speaking English introducing themselves to the other friends around.
I started to count the first year when I was one of them, how many people I have walked with before I had my bike.
And now they are all dispersed at different places in the world.

The smell of the night, the never-goes-down sun, the blue sky and lakes, the burning sunlight and the fresh dry air, various berries growing by the streets and the lively blossom of daisy.
I can still recall these first impressions for this country when I stepped on this land. These fragments took a large amount of the reminiscence tied to my sentimental olfaction, gustation and vision in my brain.

I hear myself breathing. The emptiness in my chest kept me being in a daze for a whole day.

When I was watching "Ashes of time" for the first time, I remembered one sentence very well.
People suffer a lot because they have too good memories.

For a person like me, who has the photographic memories about people whom I care, suffering is almost one part of my daily work. The larger the happiness is, the bigger the pain is.

There have been several people telling me that I should learn how to preserve the feelings for myself.

They told me, you gave people too much which sometimes was not what they want from the others.
Putting the other's feeling over mine is not always good and sometimes it is over-whelming for people I love and myself.

Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I had never learned.


He said," you are never angry with me, that's why I can say mean things to you and I am harsh on you sometimes which I don't do to the others."
I answered, " it is because my patience for you hasn't run out yet. When it runs out, then there'll be none left. And I will be gone. It applies to everyone."

Sometimes people around me never do compromises. Their attitude is always " take it or leave it. this is me." and they argued that they are like this because they treat people equally and respectfully.
At first I thought it was correct and it was easy to have their own lives. Later I started to wonder, maybe they were just using it as an excuse to be lazy and not putting effort to remain a relation with the others.
This passive-aggressive attitude is fair for themselves but unfair for people who love them.

Who takes the initiative? Who takes the charge? Who gives in firstly? Who says I love you firstly? Who's gonna be the one adjusting himself/herself for the other one?How to calculate everything?

There's always a secret war between people as long as there's affection existing.
And most of us don't know how to appreciate the work that the other has done because we think we have being treating others "equally".
Breaking the normal way of doing things become unbearable.

Keeping the balance of being self-preserved, self-protected and giving without a condition is never easy.

I don't know how to improve myself yet.
I will learn. I hope.

At least, I am sad and I am scared because I still have things to lose.

August 2

I just wanna say, I am thankful for all the love from my dearest friends here who would like to do anything for me without expecting me paying back.

I appreciated everything happened and happening.

I just hope there's another new start, very soon.

And it is going to be very bright again.

If I can be any wiser, I would like to suffer.

In 2 days, it will be my 3rd year here.