Babies

I used to discuss with R that because of the one-child policy in China that I only learnt how to love a man and take care of him persistently from the pattern of how my parents get along with each other, I did not know how to deal with kids.

Since my parents didn't like any other child, they don't act like the other parents for example when they see little infant, they would scream loud "cute!!" and start baby-talk with them, touch and hold them immediately in their arms. Instead, my parents just politely say to the other parents " This kid is cute" and then walked away.
Besides, my cousins are all at my age, either younger or elder for a few years. Maybe I learnt how to share things and cooperate with them, never how to deal with them.

I went to a meeting last night and met many great people there. Most of them are married couples that they do believe that people should love the others without expecting anything as paybacks or to love with any preconditions. And their infants have been growing up in the church that they were not afraid of being touched and cuddled.
I was staring at them crawling on the ground at the beginning with fear. Because I was afraid that they would suddenly scream or do something crazy to people. I dare not to touch them and I was even scared to talk to the pregnant women since I always judge them that they are too different and too self-sacrificed for men.
They are vivid lives, different individuals with different bodies and ideologies since the moment they left mom's womb. Thinking of all the responsibilities and obligations I shall take if I have a child, the idea itself is heavy and scary enough for me to chicken out and walk away without a hesitation.

There he is, a handsome young man, laying in front of his mom's chest and observed everyone of us with his big blue innocent eyes with huge curiosity. I asked his mom, " May I? I am afraid that I will break his arm or legs..." She laughed and said " Don't worry, kids are strong." She petted him on his back. I surprisingly found that the kid's back didn't go sunken with his mom's hand as I expected. My curiosity drove me lifted him up via holding up his armpit with his little soft fatty arms splaying in the air.
Hmmm, very soft. This is my first thought. Well,also quite heavy. There comes my second thought.

He was very excited to be held up standing on the ground. But, he did something out of my expectation that he grabbed my hair all of a sudden. His hand is so strong and powerful not like a 6-month kid and he started to put my hair into his mouth.
Finally his mom came to save me and she educated him to stop eating my hair. I secretly thought, when he grows up, he might marry an Asian girl just like me. Haha.
With the first try, his brave act made me thought that he was not that different from all the other grown-up men around me. When his mom needs to take a phone call, I held him in my arms walking to the kitchen. I was surprised that I naturally know how to put my arms to make him comfortable. I admit that I was still a little scared of him screaming because of my mis-putting of my arms around him. Amazingly, he was happy and he was trying to touch the other's camera. He laid in front of my chest that I felt I was trusted by him.
I was excited about this whole brand new feeling that people can trust each other that much.
And kids are not like monsters as they used to be in my imagination.

The warmth and the softness touched one part of my heart that I couldn't stop thinking of his fat arms around me.

Okay. I still don't think it is a good idea to get pregnant and have a baby by myself. But, it is not a bad idea to have one maybe in the future if I have enough money.

This idea, is brand new for me.
Thank you James. You are a very charming baby and you will grow up as a charming man in the future.

Monday

I used to dream a lot.

In the farm I kept dreaming certain people for a whole month.
After the farm, I switched to dream random things as if time, or something else changed my core.

I got her back. Then I lost her again because after being in silence for one year and a half, our ideologies have changed so dramatically that we didn't even know each other any more even though we had the best friendship for more than 6 years.
From that, I learnt, no matter how, I do not want to lose someone easily again.
I did not try hard enough to keep her. I take 50% of the responsibility.

I only dreamt home once, once in two years.

I asked J, how will you feel if I choose to leave Europe?
I did not know why I asked. Then I thought I shouldn't have asked him.

I remembered I was walking in a small lane alone near my home. It was so real, so familiar, but so strange.
When I woke up, I got totally sweaty. That was in Feb while I was in STK. I remembered it as if it just happened yesterday.

Recently, I found I was becoming weaker and weaker that I have the tendency to hold on something or someone. And I am having the panic attack more often.
I drink more and more compared with the first year I was abroad. It might speed up the pace of false moving-on, the depressive moments became more and more frightening and it costs me more energy to cope with.

Is it time to go back?
Is it time to hug my old friends and kiss them?
Is it time to see Asian faces?
Is it time to feel 'not alone' once?

Then, will I be brave enough to come back?

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After I watched the documentary 'Home' (2009) several days ago, some of my thoughts are changing.
If we only have 40 years to live happily on this earth, what more can I do for it?
What is the point of fighting in the small office for the little salary? What is the point of grieving for personal issues while our mother earth is in pain? What is the point of getting married and blindly reproduce the next generation? Isn't it the time for all the nations to unite together to protect the earth?
We will be the generation to witness the earth might be destroyed by the earthquake, tornado, typhoons, tsunami, volcanic eruption and climate abnormality and etc.
We have only less than 10 years to change everything before it gets too late.
What difference can I make for the future?

I am still thinking.
And the future is not that far away in front waiting.

Who will win?

The rationality and desire are like ice and fire.

Who will win?

Some thoughts of mine

Sometimes I think my life is mostly a joke, although I knew it wasn't true.
I knew there's different cases and different people who can handle different levels of pain and stress.

Some would laugh at all the troubles and walk over it like there's nothing wrong at all. They simply just do not care about those little things, because they have bigger pictures in their lives and they have something else more beautiful to fight for which make them look over the small troubles in front. I call them, real heroes.

Some, they are just not aware of the fact that someone is actually focusing on seeking themselves all the time. They live simply and happily, they do not think much and they are happy because of being innocent and not realising that life can be complicated if they want. For those, I envy them.

Some would pretend that there's nothing wrong in their lives and try to laugh as loud as possible to fool the others and themselves. And they are usually so good at pretending that they couldn't distinguish the difference between the real face and the fake one. They literally wear the mask and take the fake one as the real one for good, and never doubt it.
Because once they start to doubt, their philosophies and their lives are going to fall apart. And that, that is the fact that they can not handle. For these, I would say " we cope in different ways" to comfort them.
Anyways, it is their lives. If they do not want to change, no one can help.

Some, for example like me, would be occasionally defeated by small things happening in life because I am too sensitive and over think of things which should not be considered as a major issue. But, I have a bigger picture. I am brave enough to face up the real me, no matter how ugly she is and no matter how unbearable she is. I always take the truth. I always take the reality.

My father once told me, people usually don't take the reality because it is sometimes too ugly that it breaks the so-called beauty in their eyes. They would rather neglect the flaws and imperfections.
White lies work on them perfectly. They dare not to tell the others the reality, they dare not to turn people down because they assume people can not take it just like themselves.
They choose to let it go in silence.
Gradually, something disappear in silence. They lose something that they will never get it back ever. They are too afraid to admit because the fact itself will be too much for them to handle.

So, they are mute.

I am one of those, who do not take silence as an answer. I need people to spit it out, no matter good or bad, I face it and I fix it.

All in all, I think I am a fighter. I am dark and twisted inside, but I have a bigger picture.
I believe in hopes, and I do believe in miracles.



I remember the reason why I started to write this blog.
I do a lot of things people would think it is unnecessary and meaningless.

In my eyes, they are meaningful. It helps me to face up with myself, it helps to clarify my thoughts and my mind. It helps me to become a better me. More humane, more thoughtful, warmer and more sensitive.
Although I am always in a secret battle with myself all the time, I am not going to surrender.

Don quichot would say, pick the right enemy and the right battle.
My battle is fixed. My enemy is fixed.

And I am invincible.
It is so good to know.

We are all somehow somewhat damaged, by the others, by the things happened on us or something happened on the ones that we love or loved.
The world is frightening. We hurt people and get hurt all the time.

Remember, failing does not take away the reality that someone among us are lions.
Scars only proves that they have been through a lot of glorious battles.

Move on

When the black hole in my mind sucked me in, I chose to drink and sleep over it.

Then I went asking for help.

P was really good.
That's why I need my friends.
They are always around.
And they blame me if I didn't ask for help from them when I needed.

I suddenly burst into tears in front of her while laughing badly.

Now I have a plan. And I need to change.

It is scary. It is always scary and hurting.
But I have hopes, I have hopes and love. A lot of love from friends that I love and people I care, a lot of courage from them.

I fall, i get up and keep walking. Walk tall.

We live in such a imperfect world. And we are all imperfect people.

Never give up, never surrender, never compromise.

If fall, fall in a better way next time or stand up quicker.

Never stop walking forward.

I dunno.

I always thought it was because of the continuous rainy days.

But today is a sunny day.

I found the thought of " I am tired of my life and I am tired of everything" has been haunting me everyday since the first moment I open my eyes.

I am using all kinds of positive attitudes and thoughts to cope with this powerless feeling.

I can not give in. I can not drown to death.

I want to survive. I need to.

090712

I am sitting in the couch in the living room alone.

I am looking at the sky getting darker and darker bit by bit.

I am having my heavy reading materials on my hands.

I am having an unknown future waiting ahead.

I have a lot of chances. I do not have so many choices.

I listened to some pieces of music coming from my laptop from my room.

I miss you.

I feel lonely.

Where are you? What are you doing?
Are you smiling without any shadow in your heart?


I have kept thinking one sentence from one of my favorite female writers Zhang AiLing.

She says.
Life is just like a gorgeous gown, with lots of lice crawling on.

Indeed, isn't it?

We are all lonely.



Hope tomorrow can be a sunny day.

Butterfly effect

Just had a fabulous week with my sweet E and R and other friends.

Woke up this morning, I opened explorer to check FB's news feed and all the pictures friends put there. I started to wonder, has everything really happened?

I was haunted by the dutch employment regulation for a whole day yesterday which gave me a huge trouble falling asleep.
There's no fairness in this world. Although I have known this for long, when it attacked me, I am still shocked. It feels like someone poured a bucket full of icy water on top of me.
So bloody cruel, but real.

I feel scared when I think of the butterfly effect theory. You never know whose mood, feeling or decision today will influence your whole life. And you never know your feeling, behaviour or decision will affect whom.
Life is all about decision makings and we had to make choices all the time.

Someone chose to be the one who picks the others, someone chose to be the one who was picked by the others or fate. Someone wanted to pick up their own destiny, but somehow couldn't.
And no one can avoid to be picked at least once in their life.

Priorities and decision-makings, constitute the invisible net in the air among human communications and interactions.

I don't want to be chosen. I want to choose.
But then how?