Monday

I used to dream a lot.

In the farm I kept dreaming certain people for a whole month.
After the farm, I switched to dream random things as if time, or something else changed my core.

I got her back. Then I lost her again because after being in silence for one year and a half, our ideologies have changed so dramatically that we didn't even know each other any more even though we had the best friendship for more than 6 years.
From that, I learnt, no matter how, I do not want to lose someone easily again.
I did not try hard enough to keep her. I take 50% of the responsibility.

I only dreamt home once, once in two years.

I asked J, how will you feel if I choose to leave Europe?
I did not know why I asked. Then I thought I shouldn't have asked him.

I remembered I was walking in a small lane alone near my home. It was so real, so familiar, but so strange.
When I woke up, I got totally sweaty. That was in Feb while I was in STK. I remembered it as if it just happened yesterday.

Recently, I found I was becoming weaker and weaker that I have the tendency to hold on something or someone. And I am having the panic attack more often.
I drink more and more compared with the first year I was abroad. It might speed up the pace of false moving-on, the depressive moments became more and more frightening and it costs me more energy to cope with.

Is it time to go back?
Is it time to hug my old friends and kiss them?
Is it time to see Asian faces?
Is it time to feel 'not alone' once?

Then, will I be brave enough to come back?

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After I watched the documentary 'Home' (2009) several days ago, some of my thoughts are changing.
If we only have 40 years to live happily on this earth, what more can I do for it?
What is the point of fighting in the small office for the little salary? What is the point of grieving for personal issues while our mother earth is in pain? What is the point of getting married and blindly reproduce the next generation? Isn't it the time for all the nations to unite together to protect the earth?
We will be the generation to witness the earth might be destroyed by the earthquake, tornado, typhoons, tsunami, volcanic eruption and climate abnormality and etc.
We have only less than 10 years to change everything before it gets too late.
What difference can I make for the future?

I am still thinking.
And the future is not that far away in front waiting.