20100130

I asked him.
"Are you happy?Are you nervous?Are you excited?"

He said, "I didn't feel anything special. I just want to get it done asap."

I asked, "How come? How many people have you invited?"
He said, "less than 400 people."

I was shocked, "Gosh I can not imagine myself kissing my lover in front of 400 people."
He said, "I am among those who don't invite too many people. My friend had parties for 3 times, and I only have to do it once."

"Did you make something special?"
"No, I only made a suit."
"Did you pay for the whole wedding?"
"Yeah for sure."

"I can not imagine myself marrying a guy."
"It is good for you."
"Why?"
"You are brave."
"No, no. I just have this lonely life by myself and maybe some stories to tell in the end."
"But at least you have stories. My life will be like this, no more new stories."
"You are very silly to say things like that. At least when you are sick, you will have people around taking care of you. What else more do you want from life? "
"yeah. But everyone has that."
"No, not for me. If I keep drifting, no body knows when I am dead in my room."
"Please don't say so."
"......"


"Please be happy."
"Yes, I will."

"We must have a drink."
"Yes, I won't miss it."

"When are you coming back?"
"......"
"Are you at least coming back for the new year?"
"No."

-----------------

I remembered one line from 'constant gardener' .
My home is where you are.
No matter where we go what we do, as long as you are with me, I am always home.
If you are not there, I don't have a home anymore.


Where is my home?

What is more important in our life eventually?

What am I having in my hand ?
Why I am so scared?

-----------------------

Visited a friend's place with K when she was here with me.
She just got married. She planned her big big wedding for 6 months, and her husband just showed up in the wedding.

When I was watching the wedding video, I was in a deep shock.

Maybe I have been too ideal. I think what I want, is just holding his hand. And spend my time with him.
Ceremony,forms,vows. They don't matter at all.

Nothing can tie a person to you if it has changed already.


and things what you do, is what really matters in a relationship, is the thing which will affect life.
Isn't it?

------------

The new year is on Valentine's Day. 14th of Feb.
Very disturbing.

I hate holidays.

I need some alcohol to make myself feel better.